Going Out With A Bang! Gutmann Sells Stouffer College House To Old Wizard For Seven Rubles
July 2, 2021 at 9:56 am
In one of her final acts as Penn President, Amy Gutmann has managed to secure a return on the investment of Stouffer College House by selling it to an old wizard for a whopping seven rubles.
Gutmann has not proposed a plan yet for the students that were supposed to dorm in Stouffer.
“Look, if the wizard wants to let the students live with him, that’s his business, not mine,” Gutmann said. “But I don’t want to hear about how it was wrong for me to sell Stouffer. Seven rubles was a hefty payout for this wizard, and the university is now able to afford a great number of Russian gems and jewels.”
Gutmann isn’t wrong when she says seven rubles was a hefty payout. But, according to sources, she only paid three rubles to acquire the building.
While Gutmann may be alright with students potentially rooming under the discretion of an old wizard, Penn’s students appear less than thrilled. As a result, Stouffer residents will now have to live in fear, as they could have a spell cast on them at any time.
“Stouffer certainly wasn’t my first choice for housing, but this really seals the deal,” Wharton freshman Nolan Walden said. “While my peers party in the quad, I’ll have to ‘keep it down’ because I wouldn’t want to disturb the wizard as he’s ‘concocting various potions and such.’”
The purchase was more based on location than anything else for the old wizard, as he’ll be situated right next to the Spruce Street Wawa.
“I probably could’ve purchased any number of other buildings in West Philly for the price I was willing to pay, but having Wawa right next door was a huge factor for me,” the old wizard said. “I’m a big hoagie guy.”