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Matthew Frank


Greek Lady and Yiro Yiro Call Upon Zeus and Poseidon in Battle for Gyro Supremacy

Poseidon had the power to make every Greek Lady gyro just over the correct amount of moistness, which ruined each meal.

Guest Lecturer Droning On About Same Bullshit As Regular Lecturer

Students eagerly awaited someone who would be radically different than the lecturer who’d accounted for a whopping 27 hours of their online shopping time.

Report: Mildly Interesting Anecdote Projected to Extend Conversation 2-3 Minutes

Michael then proceeded to tell the same aggressively mundane story to every other club member after coming to the false conclusion that he’d struck an anecdotal gold mine.

Wellness Win! CAPS Announces Plan to Start Lacing Commons Entrées With Prozac

"By making students feel better without their knowledge, we eliminate the middleman of ‘therapy’, and our job is done."

Oh Wow! Question Somehow Manages to Fall Below “No Stupid Questions” Threshold

“If I’d known that I had such dipshits in my class, I would’ve blocked off questioning entirely.”

High Rise Residents Opt To Live In Tents On NCHW Grass

“Sure, Harnwell was a pretty decent place to live, but in comparison to NCHW, it’s like I was living in Guantanamo Bay.”

Going Out With A Bang! Gutmann Sells Stouffer College House To Old Wizard For Seven Rubles

Stouffer residents will now have to live in fear, as they could have a spell cast on them at any time.

Branding Shift! New Penn Bookstore Promotion Advertises 2-For-1 Colostomy Bag Deal

So get to the Penn Bookstore today! This shit is the deal of the century.

Wharton Receives $5 Billion Monopoly Money Donation, Plans on Acquiring Baltic Avenue

According to sources deep within Penn's administration, Wharton intends to use the funds to acquire Baltic Avenue for their new hotel project.

Report: High School Friends Remain Uncultured, Uneducated Swine

They are, in essence, pigs rolling around in a trough.

Penn Announces Circumcision Mandate for Fall Semester Following Vaccination Requirement Proposal

For starters, they believe that foreskin is gross.

Introducing Over the Button — Highbrow Humor For Intellectuals

If you’ve read Under the Button, you know that they have a tendency to look down on OUR president, Amy Gutmann. We at Over the Button say enough's enough.

OP-ED: It’s Time To Bring Back Rowbottoms

It’s time we bring back excitement around Penn sports, and it’s time we bring back rowbottoms. 

From Napoleon to Gutmann: Inside the Penn President's Quest to Conquer Philadelphia

It’s been reported that Gutmann will stride around her office daily on horseback, telling subordinates that their caliber must be high if their attempts at domination are to be successful. 

Annenberg Study Finds That Everyone Just Needs to Chill Out a Bit

“What we did was have our trained research fellows go out and observe people. They would look and see if people were like kinda chill and just vibing or if they were totally nutty and psycho,” Dubois said.

OP-ED: Penn Greek Life Spreading COVID-19 Is Dismissive Towards Those in the Philadelphia Community That Failed To Get Bids

“It’s disrespectful towards those in the Philadelphia community who have always been hospitable towards these kids and literally can’t even get into an invite-only rush event. It’s bullshit.”

5 Signs Your Asynchronous Professor Is Secretly Into You

2. They tell you to email them after class with “questions." If this happens, you’re for sure going to nail your professor. They’re basically asking you to stay late, maybe turn the lights low, and finish off that hot lecture about physics with a tasty email nightcap.

Fossil Free Penn Announces That Oil Rigs Actually Kind of Gnarly When You Think About It

"These big drills, right, they just go vrrrrrr, and then they go into the ground and take the oil. And that’s our oil now. We’ve fucking claimed that shit.”

Penn to Introduce PennOpen Pass+ For High-Paying Red Passes

For $50 a week, students with red Passes can go wherever they want: dining halls, other college houses, Center City — you name it.

After Complaints Over Lack of Fun In-Person Activities, Penn Introduces Locust Walk Slip N’ Slide

“Slipping and sliding with all my new friends made me realize the tuition really was worth it,” freshman Colin Mann said.