Poseidon had the power to make every Greek Lady gyro just over the correct amount of moistness, which ruined each meal.

Students eagerly awaited someone who would be radically different than the lecturer who’d accounted for a whopping 27 hours of their online shopping time.

Michael then proceeded to tell the same aggressively mundane story to every other club member after coming to the false conclusion that he’d struck an anecdotal gold mine.

"By making students feel better without their knowledge, we eliminate the middleman of ‘therapy’, and our job is done."

“If I’d known that I had such dipshits in my class, I would’ve blocked off questioning entirely.”

“Sure, Harnwell was a pretty decent place to live, but in comparison to NCHW, it’s like I was living in Guantanamo Bay.”

Stouffer residents will now have to live in fear, as they could have a spell cast on them at any time.

So get to the Penn Bookstore today! This shit is the deal of the century.

According to sources deep within Penn's administration, Wharton intends to use the funds to acquire Baltic Avenue for their new hotel project.

They are, in essence, pigs rolling around in a trough.

For starters, they believe that foreskin is gross.

If you’ve read Under the Button, you know that they have a tendency to look down on OUR president, Amy Gutmann. We at Over the Button say enough's enough.

It’s time we bring back excitement around Penn sports, and it’s time we bring back rowbottoms. 

It’s been reported that Gutmann will stride around her office daily on horseback, telling subordinates that their caliber must be high if their attempts at domination are to be successful. 

“What we did was have our trained research fellows go out and observe people. They would look and see if people were like kinda chill and just vibing or if they were totally nutty and psycho,” Dubois said.

“It’s disrespectful towards those in the Philadelphia community who have always been hospitable towards these kids and literally can’t even get into an invite-only rush event. It’s bullshit.”

2. They tell you to email them after class with “questions." If this happens, you’re for sure going to nail your professor. They’re basically asking you to stay late, maybe turn the lights low, and finish off that hot lecture about physics with a tasty email nightcap.

"These big drills, right, they just go vrrrrrr, and then they go into the ground and take the oil. And that’s our oil now. We’ve fucking claimed that shit.”

For $50 a week, students with red Passes can go wherever they want: dining halls, other college houses, Center City — you name it.

“Slipping and sliding with all my new friends made me realize the tuition really was worth it,” freshman Colin Mann said.