Now, he has a chance to prove himself on the biggest stages imaginable, which include that little grassy area outside of Harrison in addition to the grass outside of NCHW.

Yeah, I’m eating here alone at Hill, but I’m just waiting for my friend to show up. He should be here any minute. Didn’t plan on eating alone like some kind of sad-sack loser.

Despite it almost never being applicable, Griffin manages to connect any high-brow, Criterion Collection-type film to the 2005 movie that stars David Schwimmer as a talking giraffe.

Four people—only one of which the website revealed was my mom—glanced over my resume.

My real friends have had horse manure thrown at them while drinking Natty Lights.

Poseidon had the power to make every Greek Lady gyro just over the correct amount of moistness, which ruined each meal.

Students eagerly awaited someone who would be radically different than the lecturer who’d accounted for a whopping 27 hours of their online shopping time.

Michael then proceeded to tell the same aggressively mundane story to every other club member after coming to the false conclusion that he’d struck an anecdotal gold mine.

"By making students feel better without their knowledge, we eliminate the middleman of ‘therapy’, and our job is done."

“If I’d known that I had such dipshits in my class, I would’ve blocked off questioning entirely.”

“Sure, Harnwell was a pretty decent place to live, but in comparison to NCHW, it’s like I was living in Guantanamo Bay.”

Stouffer residents will now have to live in fear, as they could have a spell cast on them at any time.

So get to the Penn Bookstore today! This shit is the deal of the century.

According to sources deep within Penn's administration, Wharton intends to use the funds to acquire Baltic Avenue for their new hotel project.

They are, in essence, pigs rolling around in a trough.

For starters, they believe that foreskin is gross.

If you’ve read Under the Button, you know that they have a tendency to look down on OUR president, Amy Gutmann. We at Over the Button say enough's enough.

It’s time we bring back excitement around Penn sports, and it’s time we bring back rowbottoms. 

It’s been reported that Gutmann will stride around her office daily on horseback, telling subordinates that their caliber must be high if their attempts at domination are to be successful. 

“What we did was have our trained research fellows go out and observe people. They would look and see if people were like kinda chill and just vibing or if they were totally nutty and psycho,” Dubois said.