Penn Recruits Five-Star Spikeball Prospect
Now, he has a chance to prove himself on the biggest stages imaginable, which include that little grassy area outside of Harrison in addition to the grass outside of NCHW.
Matthew Frank
Guy in Cinema Studies Class Keeps Comparing Everything to Madagascar
Despite it almost never being applicable, Griffin manages to connect any high-brow, Criterion Collection-type film to the 2005 movie that stars David Schwimmer as a talking giraffe.
Penn Recruits Five-Star Spikeball Prospect
Now, he has a chance to prove himself on the biggest stages imaginable, which include that little grassy area outside of Harrison in addition to the grass outside of NCHW.
OP-ED: No, No, No, I’m Not Eating Alone, Just Waiting For My Friend, Haha
Yeah, I’m eating here alone at Hill, but I’m just waiting for my friend to show up. He should be here any minute. Didn’t plan on eating alone like some kind of sad-sack loser.
Guy in Cinema Studies Class Keeps Comparing Everything to Madagascar
Despite it almost never being applicable, Griffin manages to connect any high-brow, Criterion Collection-type film to the 2005 movie that stars David Schwimmer as a talking giraffe.
The Next Zuckerberg? My LinkedIn Profile Just Got Four Views
Four people—only one of which the website revealed was my mom—glanced over my resume.
Imbecile! Rush Who Dropped Fraternity Expects To Still Be Friends
My real friends have had horse manure thrown at them while drinking Natty Lights.
Greek Lady and Yiro Yiro Call Upon Zeus and Poseidon in Battle for Gyro Supremacy
Poseidon had the power to make every Greek Lady gyro just over the correct amount of moistness, which ruined each meal.
Guest Lecturer Droning On About Same Bullshit As Regular Lecturer
Students eagerly awaited someone who would be radically different than the lecturer who’d accounted for a whopping 27 hours of their online shopping time.
Report: Mildly Interesting Anecdote Projected to Extend Conversation 2-3 Minutes
Michael then proceeded to tell the same aggressively mundane story to every other club member after coming to the false conclusion that he’d struck an anecdotal gold mine.
Wellness Win! CAPS Announces Plan to Start Lacing Commons Entrées With Prozac
"By making students feel better without their knowledge, we eliminate the middleman of ‘therapy’, and our job is done."
Oh Wow! Question Somehow Manages to Fall Below “No Stupid Questions” Threshold
“If I’d known that I had such dipshits in my class, I would’ve blocked off questioning entirely.”
High Rise Residents Opt To Live In Tents On NCHW Grass
“Sure, Harnwell was a pretty decent place to live, but in comparison to NCHW, it’s like I was living in Guantanamo Bay.”
Going Out With A Bang! Gutmann Sells Stouffer College House To Old Wizard For Seven Rubles
Stouffer residents will now have to live in fear, as they could have a spell cast on them at any time.
Branding Shift! New Penn Bookstore Promotion Advertises 2-For-1 Colostomy Bag Deal
So get to the Penn Bookstore today! This shit is the deal of the century.
Wharton Receives $5 Billion Monopoly Money Donation, Plans on Acquiring Baltic Avenue
According to sources deep within Penn's administration, Wharton intends to use the funds to acquire Baltic Avenue for their new hotel project.
Report: High School Friends Remain Uncultured, Uneducated Swine
They are, in essence, pigs rolling around in a trough.
Penn Announces Circumcision Mandate for Fall Semester Following Vaccination Requirement Proposal
For starters, they believe that foreskin is gross.
Introducing Over the Button — Highbrow Humor For Intellectuals
Matthew Frank
Tuesday, April 6, 2021Tue, Apr 6, 2021
If you’ve read Under the Button, you know that they have a tendency to look down on OUR president, Amy Gutmann. We at Over the Button say enough's enough.
OP-ED: It’s Time To Bring Back Rowbottoms
Matthew Frank
Thursday, April 1, 2021Thu, Apr 1, 2021
It’s time we bring back excitement around Penn sports, and it’s time we bring back rowbottoms.
From Napoleon to Gutmann: Inside the Penn President's Quest to Conquer Philadelphia
It’s been reported that Gutmann will stride around her office daily on horseback, telling subordinates that their caliber must be high if their attempts at domination are to be successful.
Annenberg Study Finds That Everyone Just Needs to Chill Out a Bit
“What we did was have our trained research fellows go out and observe people. They would look and see if people were like kinda chill and just vibing or if they were totally nutty and psycho,” Dubois said.
