The United States of Under the Button Declares Independence from Great Daily Pennsylvanian
July 3, 2021 at 5:45 pm
Hear ye, hear ye! The time has come for the United States of Under the Button to declare independence from Great Daily Pennsylvanian. Too long have we been taxed without representation. Too long has Great Daily Pennsylvanian forced us to remove our teeth and replace them with rotting wooden teeth. Too long have we been forced to wear horse costumes while DP editors in colonial garb flog us for galloping too slowly.
Today, on July 4, 1776, we declare our long-overdue independence under the influence of fireworks and jello shots.
Let our Declaration of Independence be read far and wide:
We hold these lies to be self-evident that all publications are created unequal, that they are endowed by their Editor with certain unalienable Rights, that among these is Publishing ‘Yo Mama’ jokes freely and frequently, Having our own Under the Button spaceship and the Pursuit of Thirst Traps.
We, therefore, the Members of the United States of Under the Button, solemnly publish and declare, they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Daily Pennsylvanian Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Daily Pennsylvanian, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Writers, they have full Power to levy War, conduct bukkake, contract venereal diseases, establish friends with benefits relationships with our roommates, and to do all other Acts and Things which the United States of Under the Button may of right do.
Henceforth, all that maintain ties to the Great Daily Pennsylvanian are considered traitors. Beware!