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Jackson Parli


Penn LGBT Center Says You Can Use “Gay” in a Derogatory Way Again

In a press release today, Penn’s LGBT center, home of free printing on campus and nothing else, announced that it is now acceptable to describe things you dislike as “gay.”

Two Can Play This Game: Your Therapist Also Texts During Your Session

As he nods along, stone-faced, his eyes look down and his face is lit from below.

Ugh! I Can No Longer Let My Tongue Hang Limply From My Mouth in COMM 125 Recitation

Letting my tongue hang out of my mouth is like a private affirmation that I am cute and petite like a Yorkshire terrier.

OP-ED: I Wish I Could Come To Your Show but I Can't Because It Sounds Awful

I love the idea of watching 23 soon-to-be consultants pretend to be instruments.

OP-ED: I Am “Normalizing” My ADHD by Using It as an Excuse to Get Out of Things

No, I cannot clean my dinner off the dining room table because I am having a “bad brain day.”

BREAKING: Your Dad Outed You to Your Grandparents Because ”You Were Taking Too Long"

To make matters worse, he told them by custom bitmoji.

Breaking: Your Friend Who Keeps Saying “Everyone Needs Therapy” Really Has to Go to Therapy

"Mental health issues? Sure, lots of people have mental health issues. But don’t make it my problem."

Weingarten to Provide Disability Accommodations for Students With Restless Leg Syndrome

Just because people feel like they need an "equal opportunity for education" doesn’t mean we can provide it.

"Social Media is Bad for You," Says Most Boring Person Ever

One time, I saw a baby with an iPad. I cried and threw up for three days.

Ad: Join My Senior Society for Hot Sluts

Our main thing is smoking cigarettes on benches on Locust to help us stay skinny.

How Woke! This Classics Major ISN’T a Fascist

As the only non-fascist in the classics department, Ben Sherman (C ‘23) is used to being discriminated against. 

I Don't Have Poor Connection, My Phone is Just Sweaty

What? What was that? Oh yeah, sorry. No, the service here is fine.

Queer King: My Roommate Just Came Out as 'Sapiosexual'

Be sure to wish Cam a hearty congratulations for being queer AF!

Op-Ed: I’m Not Manspreading, I Shit Myself

I have often been accused of manspreading, but as a person who is plagued with anxiety and is barely confident enough to go grocery shopping without a friend, I can assure you this is not my goal.

Op-Ed: Vaccines are in their "Flop" Era

 I was totally stanning vaccines like 3 months ago.

Help me! I am Addicted to Picklebacks

I know UTB is a joke publication but I don’t know what else to do. I have nowhere else to put these thoughts and feelings.

Guy With "Don’t Tread on Me" Flag Basically Begging to be Tread on

Goddamn, your flag really makes me want to tread on you.