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Jackson Parli


Articles

Happy Daddy's Day from Under the Button

The top 3 signs that you is Daddy


“Daddy’s Cummies” Deemed Completely Kosher; to be Served at Hillel This Fall

Get ready to gobble and slurp your Daddy’s cummies at Hillel this fall!


Breaking: Intolerable Boy From Writing Seminar Calls Bo Burnham Comedy Special “Groundbreaking”

Is Bo Burnham God’s gift to comedy? According to Jacob from your writing seminar, that answer is a resounding “yes”.


Van Pelt Library Announces Rectal Exams as Theft Precaution

If you scream when the guard opens your butt, you will be permanently banned from the library. 


Penn Glee Club Integrates With Penn Sirens, Dhamaka, TEP, Penn Polish Club, the Netter Center, Gregory College House, Locust Protesters, Penn Catholic Newman Community, Allied Universal Workers, Linguistics Majors, and Your Mom

The Penn Glee Club made history by integrating women and dancers and the frat brothers that sell you weed and Poles and do-gooders and freshmen that got fucked over in housing selection and God-fearers and more God-fearers and the people that are most likely to have weapons on campus and soon-to-be unemployed students and fat skanks into their historically TTBB choir. 


LGBT Win! Penn Closet Rebrands as “Penn Come Out of the Closet”

In addition to the rebrand of their store name, they will be offering complimentary hits of poppers to all customers, expanding their jockstrap collection, and offering discounts on ketamine after your tenth purchase.


Penn Institutes Footloose Rules to Prevent Covid-19 Outbreak in the Fall

After Amy Gutmann's recent viewing of Footloose (1984) and her subsequent conversion to Christianity, she updated the Campus Compact to reflect the rules upheld in Elmore City: no dancing and absolutely no rock-and-roll music.


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