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Jackson Parli


Articles

OP-ED: I Am “Normalizing” My ADHD by Using It as an Excuse to Get Out of Things

No, I cannot clean my dinner off the dining room table because I am having a “bad brain day.”


BREAKING: Your Dad Outed You to Your Grandparents Because ”You Were Taking Too Long"

To make matters worse, he told them by custom bitmoji.


Breaking: Your Friend Who Keeps Saying “Everyone Needs Therapy” Really Has to Go to Therapy

"Mental health issues? Sure, lots of people have mental health issues. But don’t make it my problem."


Weingarten to Provide Disability Accommodations for Students With Restless Leg Syndrome

Just because people feel like they need an "equal opportunity for education" doesn’t mean we can provide it.



"Social Media is Bad for You," Says Most Boring Person Ever

One time, I saw a baby with an iPad. I cried and threw up for three days.


Ad: Join My Senior Society for Hot Sluts

Our main thing is smoking cigarettes on benches on Locust to help us stay skinny.


How Woke! This Classics Major ISN’T a Fascist

As the only non-fascist in the classics department, Ben Sherman (C ‘23) is used to being discriminated against. 


I Don't Have Poor Connection, My Phone is Just Sweaty

What? What was that? Oh yeah, sorry. No, the service here is fine.


Queer King: My Roommate Just Came Out as 'Sapiosexual'

Be sure to wish Cam a hearty congratulations for being queer AF!


Op-Ed: I’m Not Manspreading, I Shit Myself

I have often been accused of manspreading, but as a person who is plagued with anxiety and is barely confident enough to go grocery shopping without a friend, I can assure you this is not my goal.


Op-Ed: Vaccines are in their "Flop" Era

 I was totally stanning vaccines like 3 months ago.


Help me! I am Addicted to Picklebacks

I know UTB is a joke publication but I don’t know what else to do. I have nowhere else to put these thoughts and feelings.


Guy With "Don’t Tread on Me" Flag Basically Begging to be Tread on

Goddamn, your flag really makes me want to tread on you.


Elvira, "Mistress of the Dark," Named as New President of University of Pennsylvania

While the University was also considering Hulk Hogan, Alex Baldwin, and Cyndi Lauper, they ultimately went with Elvira because she was willing to do the job for the cheapest and appealed most to the ghosts of investors past.


Cool! Fall Edition of Quake Magazine Just Furry Porn

Get ready to see some graphic shit.


Op-Ed: Next UPenn President Must Work to Lower Ketamine Prices in Philadelphia

A gram of recreational ketamine, which was sold for a mere nickel on Locust Walk back in 1970, now goes for at least $300, and that’s only if you supplement your dealer with a blowie.


Six Hobbies for Gay People to Try Now that Pride Month is Over

It might be worthwhile to take up some hobbies while you wait for the limelight again.


UPenn Bottoms Protest White Dog’s Bottomless Brunch

Bloody assholes deserve bloody Mary’s.


BREAKING: I Didn't Ask For This Life

Listen. I'm sure there's news today. But I don't get paid to write here, and honestly, I'm getting sick of everyone always asking me to report on things that I don't care about.


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