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Jackson Parli


Articles

Elvira, "Mistress of the Dark," Named as New President of University of Pennsylvania

While the University was also considering Hulk Hogan, Alex Baldwin, and Cyndi Lauper, they ultimately went with Elvira because she was willing to do the job for the cheapest and appealed most to the ghosts of investors past.


Cool! Fall Edition of Quake Magazine Just Furry Porn

Get ready to see some graphic shit.


Op-Ed: Next UPenn President Must Work to Lower Ketamine Prices in Philadelphia

A gram of recreational ketamine, which was sold for a mere nickel on Locust Walk back in 1970, now goes for at least $300, and that’s only if you supplement your dealer with a blowie.


Six Hobbies for Gay People to Try Now that Pride Month is Over

It might be worthwhile to take up some hobbies while you wait for the limelight again.


UPenn Bottoms Protest White Dog’s Bottomless Brunch

Bloody assholes deserve bloody Mary’s.


BREAKING: I Didn't Ask For This Life

Listen. I'm sure there's news today. But I don't get paid to write here, and honestly, I'm getting sick of everyone always asking me to report on things that I don't care about.


Op-Ed: I Write for UTB, Now Give Me Twitter Clout

Yeah, I’ve been told I should do standup comedy, but tweeting nonsequiturs on the internet under the moniker “jasonson” is so much more fun, and the likes give me instant gratification.


The United States of Under the Button Declares Independence from Great Daily Pennsylvanian

Henceforth, all that maintain ties to the Great Daily Pennsylvanian are considered traitors. Beware! 


Ad: 8 Ways to Exercise Your Freedoms this 4th of July, Brought to You by HBO Max

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Happy Daddy's Day from Under the Button

The top 3 signs that you is Daddy


“Daddy’s Cummies” Deemed Completely Kosher; to be Served at Hillel This Fall

Get ready to gobble and slurp your Daddy’s cummies at Hillel this fall!


Breaking: Intolerable Boy From Writing Seminar Calls Bo Burnham Comedy Special “Groundbreaking”

Is Bo Burnham God’s gift to comedy? According to Jacob from your writing seminar, that answer is a resounding “yes”.


Van Pelt Library Announces Rectal Exams as Theft Precaution

If you scream when the guard opens your butt, you will be permanently banned from the library. 


Penn Glee Club Integrates With Penn Sirens, Dhamaka, TEP, Penn Polish Club, the Netter Center, Gregory College House, Locust Protesters, Penn Catholic Newman Community, Allied Universal Workers, Linguistics Majors, and Your Mom

The Penn Glee Club made history by integrating women and dancers and the frat brothers that sell you weed and Poles and do-gooders and freshmen that got fucked over in housing selection and God-fearers and more God-fearers and the people that are most likely to have weapons on campus and soon-to-be unemployed students and fat skanks into their historically TTBB choir. 


LGBT Win! Penn Closet Rebrands as “Penn Come Out of the Closet”

In addition to the rebrand of their store name, they will be offering complimentary hits of poppers to all customers, expanding their jockstrap collection, and offering discounts on ketamine after your tenth purchase.


Penn Institutes Footloose Rules to Prevent Covid-19 Outbreak in the Fall

After Amy Gutmann's recent viewing of Footloose (1984) and her subsequent conversion to Christianity, she updated the Campus Compact to reflect the rules upheld in Elmore City: no dancing and absolutely no rock-and-roll music.


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