UTB Investigates: Who Stole the Cookies From the Cookie Jar?
July 22, 2021 at 10:42 am
Late last night, an unimaginable crime was committed.
UTB will investigate, ‘til there’s but one left un-acquitted.
The cookie jar whom stood proudly on Gutmann’s desk
has been emptied—depleted by an unruly pest.
“Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?”
was heard on every corner.
Chaos, uproars, and bloodshed—
this scandal disrupted all sense of order.
Crime rates have been rising;
Ben Franklin’s statue is defaced.
There’s no other option;
UTB must solve this case.
Suspect number one: Gregory Lao.
Last appointment on the schedule,
“Greg, please sit down.”
“I didn't do it I swear!”
He shook in his chair.
“I’ll be honest—bare.
I just sat over there.
We discussed my housing.”
"The conversation was pleasant;
I wasn’t upset.
She accommodated my needs;
what don't you get?
I have no motive;
hear my alibi.
I was on College Green
just watching paint dry!”
Gregory’s activities didn’t raise suspicion.
Friday night? Watching paint dry? A common man’s mission!
While Miki interviewed Greg,
Drew checked the tapes.
She spotted a glitch at 1:58!
At 1:57: cookies were plenty,
but 1:59? Completely empty!
Rumors on campus were exchanged between peers;
UTB scattered and perked up our ears.
“The Quaker was stumbling”
“He was weird last night”
“I didn’t know a mascot
could cause such a fright!”
We sat with the man, the myth, the quake.
“Yo, work with me here…I’m really fuckin baked.”
“We have some questions…it’s about last night.”
“Why are you wearing a trench coat; is that a pipe?”
“That’s not important. Do you know why we came?”
“Probably because I’m going insane.
I’m in pain;
It’s the fame.
I train and I train,
and I go to the games
but you don’t know my name.
I’m to blame;
“Well, we accomplished our aim.”
“Any last words?
Any final remarks?
Your confession will be heard.”
“I don’t want to be a narc…
I ate the cookies, yes, it was a lapse of judgement.
But upon lifting the lid, I said “man, these are pungent!”
On Amy Gutmann’s desk?! It simply couldn’t be.
But sure enough, 30 minutes after the cookie…
I was high as balls!
I thought I was at a festival.
Those cookies you protect?
Yeah…those were edibles."