Omg you took pictures of me?

I’m gonna ruin your life, motherfucker.

It's not that hard to make your WiFi feel like the desirable woman that she is.

I’m sitting here, 19 years old, with reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, a warm cup of chamomile tea in hand, and an inhibiting fear of dehydration that consumes the entirety of my being. I have reluctantly accepted the brutal truth: I have become my mother. 

Late last night, an unimaginable crime was committed.  UTB will investigate, ‘til there’s but one left un-acquitted.  The cookie jar whom stood proudly on Gutmann’s desk has been emptied—depleted by an unruly pest. 

Your heart beats in your ears; you see its shadow projected on the door ahead; your mouth goes dry. You are not alone. You remain still—silent—while you turn your neck slowly; your eyes widen as you see the horror behind you —WELCOME HOME.

Felt cute, might shit later.

Measure all you want, but a small penis is a small penis.

"Sue, I do not love you to the moon and back. Do you know how far that is?! Do you know how long that would take to travel?"

Women over 45 worldwide closed their eyes on Saturday night, oblivious to the fragility of their existence, and awoke Sunday morning fluent in Portuguese. 

The top 3 signs that you is Daddy

The public seems to be very excited about this new mode of intimate oversharing.

Excited for quality time with Papa, you pick a new release film you haven't seen before—and just like that, you seal your fate. You are about to watch porn with Dad.

this is so ducking annoying why won’t it say duck duck duck fuck got it

We promise "Skabort" will be a crowd favorite at your next orgy.