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Pool Party Hosts Confused Why Everyone Can’t Do Lines Like Them


At last night's Pool Party, hundreds of Penn students eagerly waited their turn to redeem the $75-$135 they had spent for the exclusive experience of buying overpriced drinks, standing next to a pool they're not allowed to go in, and getting the Delta variant of COVID-19. Students were so eager for the experience that they swarmed the entrance in an effort to make it inside. Despite rumors that the event was oversold by over 200 tickets, the hosts of the event only had one thing to say: “If lines aren't made, no one will get in ... There's nothing we can do if you guys don't start making lines.”

The fine gentlemen hosting the event were confused by the conundrum, since lines are their specialty. But Brenden Walsh (W '21), a member of one of the fraternities hosting Pool, was especially flabbergasted. 

“I don’t understand why hundreds of people given no instruction couldn’t form a line. I mean, what? Lines are so easy — and honestly, pretty fun. I guess we just thought that, since we do lines all the time, it would be pretty simple for all of the attendees to do them too.” 

Walsh also noted that there’s something really satisfying about lines. 

“You almost get this … high from it, if that makes sense.” 

However, after multiple students were pepper sprayed and detained, the Pool hosts admitted that the situation was far from ideal.

“I’m not gonna lie," said Walsh. "It really blows that these people couldn’t get in.