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Five Guys Replacing Beijing Is Just Modern Day Colonialism

Photo by Claire Cao / The Daily Pennsylvanian

After an unprecedented 32-year-long reign in the Spruce Street region, the kingdom of Beijing Restaurant has fallen to a quintet of fair-skinned barbarians. The conquistadores, allegedly called “Five Guys,” just overthrew the Asian establishment in a culinary coup d’état, leaving the cultured folk of University City seeking refuge. 

Guy #5, the spokesperson of the Five Guys, recently announced several policies to be enforced by martial law in the coming weeks. “We saw an economic opportunity and some free land, so we took it,” he explained. “Currently we’re looking at a blockade on Beijing’s bean sprout exports. Long term, our philosophy is ‘Out with the chao fan and in with the cheeseburgers.’” A red and white checkered flag now flies atop the ruins of Beijing.

When asked how Five Guys would mitigate growing unrest among loyal Beijing customers, and if they anticipated a Boxer Rebellion-esque insurrection, Guy #5 shrugged and said, “I don’t know, bro. We’ll probably throw in some extra fries at the bottom of the bag as a peace offering.” The other Guys have declined to respond.

It seems that one of the last Asian food strongholds has, yet again, fallen to a Western restaurant chain. For people who actually have taste, only Bonchon still stands to defend the remnants of culture in the University City region.