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Claire Cao


Five Guys Replacing Beijing Is Just Modern Day Colonialism

After an unprecedented 32-year-long reign in the Spruce Street region, the kingdom of Beijing Restaurant has fallen to a quintet of fair-skinned barbarians.

Penn Students Send Letters of Continued Interest to Move Up in Vaccine Waitlist

Being vaccinated is a highly marketable skill, especially in the finance industry, since it means you’re healthy enough to fully exploit.

BREAKING: Penn to Implement 10,080 Intermittent 'Engagement Minutes'

Gurie Klyfe (W '23) was seen asking, “Has anyone sprinted to Miami and back in 60 seconds?”

Student Combines Everyone's Canvas Discussion Comments Into One Ultimate Comment At the Last Minute

Both sides presented very compelling points. I totally agree. 

Student With Imposter Syndrome Spotted Faking Tasks

He could just be intimidated by the intense culture here, and I don’t blame him for covering up when Penn Face is so bad these days.

Dean Furda's Spirit Emerges As Student Repeatedly Chants “Interdisciplinary” Into Mirror

The lights flickered, curtains billowed, and a faint “Hurrah, hurrah, Pennsylvan-i-a” wailed in the distance. 

Joe Biden Changes Instagram Bio Faster Than Sorority Girl On Bid Day

“Getting a bid for the Presidency was just such a rush.”

The Best Way to Make a Difference Is to Post a Cute Graphic About Making a Difference

Sure, it’s nice to see you all repost a video of a polar bear standing on melting ice, but did you personally go to the Arctic and sacrifice yourself as a form of sustenance for the bear? That’s what I thought.

Unfulfilled Fall and Spring Break Relaxation to Be Channeled Towards Amy Gutmann’s Immortality

Through “personal donations” from students like you, I still feel as alive as the time I personally evicted a humble group of children from their West Philadelphia school. 

BREAKING: Friendly Reminder Is Lowkey Unfriendly :(

Professional linguists have derived the following translation after meticulous analysis: “Bitch can you read?”

OP-ED: I’m a Freshman Who’s Been to Penn Once But You Can Def Trust What I Have to Say

You can believe everything I have to say about this school because I basically go here already. With Eric Furda’s approval, my trusty lanyard, and steamy Ben Franklin statue photos, I have the holy trinity of being a seasoned Penn student.

Hey, You Pathological Liar: Here Are Three (Fake) Fun Facts to Tell About Yourself During Icebreakers

The girl next to you tells everyone she’s “outdoorsy.” You call BS. Settle for these more realistic lies that will surely rock everyone’s socks!

If Your Tumultuous Relationship (?) With Jeff From Writing Sem Was a Rupi Kaur Poem

you can explain  trickle-down  economics  but how do you explain  these tears  trickling down my face -  :'(