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I Don't Have Poor Connection, My Phone is Just Sweaty


Photo by Smart Calling

What? What was that? Oh yeah, sorry. No, the service here is fine. There’s just sweat on my phone. It’s super hot out here and the gap between the phone and my face is pretty tight. Honestly, the sweat from the effort of holding the phone up to my face isn’t make it any better either.

No, no, this is definitely a great time to talk. I just...can’t hear you, the microphone and speaker are filling up with my viscous sweat. Speaker phone? No, sorry, I can’t push any of the buttons on my phone. Too sweaty. My finger just slips off the side of the phone. Super clammy.

Nah this isn’t an excuse to get off the phone. I really want to talk to you about whether you’re going to get back together with your ex-girlfriend for the third time. It’s just that now the sweat is seeping into my ear canal and giving me swimmer’s ear. Ow...ow. Fuck, it’s given me an ear infection and now my ear is bleeding. Give me a second, let me switch ears.

Oh fuck oh shit. Can yOU HEAR ME???? I dropped my phone and I can’t pick it back up. Every time I try it just slips out of my hands. Oh shit this is so embarrassing. Sorry, you’ll have to tell me about your ex-ex-ex girlfriend another time. When? December. Way less likely my phone will be sweaty then. But who knows? Global warming is crazy.