Whimsical Girls Will Now Be Administered Mood Stabilizers To Enter Kelly Writers House
September 20, 2021 at 8:52 pm
A long-overdue collaborative initiative between the Kelly Writers House and CAPS is being set into motion. All girls deemed whimsical (i.e. wearing a long skirt, sporting circular glasses, or have an overall air of mystique) must be forcibly administered Carbamazepine. This CDC-approved and, in the words of Fauci himself, “awesome” drug is used to soothe the idiosyncratic and manic tendencies of girls whose behavior worsens in creative spaces like the Kelly Writers House.
KWH Staff Member Lorie Geneay says that this new measure was approved after a freshman spotted a circle of whimsical girls reciting spoken word poetry in the upstairs bathtub.
These girls were initially hard to track down, as they are known to "saunter" through the house with remarkable, witchy ease — leaving only remnants of tea bags in their wake. However, they eventually found them in the backyard space, sketching nude portraits in leather-bound notebooks.
Initial doses of Carbamazepine seem to be going well. Internal reports coming out of the KWH by CAPS intelligence have reported that frolicking has decreased by 67%, and there have been few sightings of asymmetrical "fun" earrings. However, mood stabilizers will continue to be administered for now -- at least until erotic and/or experimental zines have been fully discontinued.