How To Gentrify Your Roommate’s Side of the Room
October 5, 2021 at 6:16 pm
1. What you will first want to do is establish a boundary, preferably giving yourself as much space as possible.
2. Slowly creep your belongings towards “her side” of the room under the guise of sharing and partnership.
3. If she asks you to stop enough times, issue a heartfelt blast email of remorse. Continue.
4. Put up some caution tape for an undefined, secretly indefinite amount of time.
5. Change her PAC code.
6. Dust off her belongings and name them after yourself.
7. Rent her bed out to your much wealthier, whiter Drexel friends.
8. Take her name off of the door. Put it in her closet as a memorial to her unfortunate choice to be poor.
9. Annually fundraise $50 for your now ex-roommate—it’s the least you can do for the cause.
10. Reap the rewards—your Drexel friend has transferred and moved in permanently. You can now sublet your side of the room and live in The Chestnut. The Wharton School has given you a $2 million grant.