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Feminist of the Week! Frat Brother Pours Me Water Instead of Spiking My Drink


Oh my god, I think I’m in love. 

I know, I know, drunken make-outs among other inebriated interactions aren’t usually cause for signing a prenup, but this is different. In fact, this encounter doesn’t even involve alcohol! Crazy, because the loose, spontaneous, extroverted, chill, crackhead, bruh girl Justine doesn’t usually come out unless invited by a fiery ball or California beach town.  

Enough about my shortcomings, I know you’re all here to learn that love truly does exist in colleges outside of Utah. So, it was last weekend. I had just acquired my fake (although only an expert could tell) ID from the most credible site I could find: https://www.notjustsomegenericwhitepersonpicture.com. I was so hyped to use it. The girls had been making fun of me for carrying a flask in my bra instead of just asking a bro. Finally, I could go up to one with ease and get a refreshing drink before bathing in a potent bath of sweat. 

I will admit, I had my doubts. I know that when men see a shy yet promiscuous young female like myself, their first instinct might be manipulation. This was my first time asking for a drink and I feared that I could succumb to the unfortunate fate of a “roofied girl at the bottom of the stairs.”

Little did I know that the ordinary Joe standing behind the crowded bar would be my knight in shining armor. 

Skinny, in a blue flannel, with a head of curls, I had never seen a boy so spectacular. He looked out of place in that shabby fraternal establishment. He must have risen to a state of enlightenment in which he could participate in plebeian activities by night but recreate The Decameron by day. 

Timidly, I approached him and asked him for a drink. After repeating myself, he said, “Ok fine.” Such a compliment to be compared to fine wine! He disappeared and came back with a cup of clear liquid. Classic. 

I took a sip and felt refreshed, one might even say rehydrated! Eureka! This mystery (how romantic) beverage was water. As I sipped this miraculous elixir, I basked in the second lease on life that I had been given. What a gallant gentleman. 

Since that night, I have fallen deeper and deeper in love. There is nothing more attractive in a man than feminism, perhaps aside from an unshaven mustache and fiscally conservative politics. I know he is the one. My message to all women out there is to never disparage the polite company you may meet at a fraternity. Perhaps you will find a man kind enough to pour you a glass of water, it’s a scarce resource you know.