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Justine Orgel


Blimey! Daily NYT Crossword Doers have Especially Weak Grasp of 18th Century English Literature

Dean Sniegowski sighs, “Another cross cultural analysis course wasted on crosswords.”

New Year, New Friends: My Fridge Became Home to 20 New Organisms During My Time Away

The mice had found the cheese, classic. The moths were swarming my intermittently functional fridge light. A new set of morels had begun to sprout from a set of button mushrooms I had previously purchased at Trader Joe’s.

Clem-In-Time: The Smashed Week-Old Cutie at the Bottom of My Backpack Just Saved Me From Spending $5 on a Slice of Coffee Cake

The coffee cake beckons to me. “Please Justine. I know you disavow coffee cake for illegitimate reasons of ‘I have no coffee in me, I’m all sugar, and you’d rather have your black coffee and occasional cortado burn a hole in your stomach,’ but please Justine, I’m only $3. I’m rose glazed. Wouldn’t you like to know what a rose tastes like?”

Is This the Cultural Diaspora? I Experience Loss and Confusion After Acme Moves Ethnic Food Section

You’ll imagine my profound disorientation when I couldn’t find the “ethnic section” complete with tostadas, instant madras curry, white people trying to make TikTok cucumber salad, and of course, my Lee Kum Kee Sauce Chili Garlic - 8 oz.

Hope Is Not Yet Lost: My Professor Tells Me I Definitely Haven’t Found My Genius Yet

It’s not in Philadelphia that I will write my magnum opus or cure my own common cold, but in a place unknown to man.

My Affordable Care Act: I’m Offering $2 Good Morning Texts

The States are most United in their shared touch starved-ness: the source of all health woes.

All Donors Matter: I’m No Longer an Organ Donor Because I Hate Liz Magill

Now, if I die in combat – as I drive my digital billboard truck – there is no way that anyone at Penn or Liz Magill (we’re both Type O) will receive my bleeding heart, my “BRN” eyes, or my fat ass.

Heartwarming! My Potential Formal Date Drafts Message About Her Dead Grandma in Notes App

I tend to assume the worst in women and I tend to be right. She’s “depressed?” Yeah, that’s code word for disinterested. She has other friends. Yeah, more like men. She’s 'gay'? Yeah, more happy without you.

Consider the Glass Ceiling Broken: Sororities and Fraternities To Seek Pledges With Higher Body Counts

The brothers, sisters, and siblings sought to address the low BMIs and high protein powder intakes of their members. You can guess which problem each house is afflicted with.

Depressed Today? You Forgot To Eat a Little Something Something

What you never hear these medicated girls say is, “It’s time to eat a little Something Something!”

Back to the Golden Days: I Announce Post BA Plans To Be an RA in the Quad

Freshmen of the future, I’m coming for you.

It Be My Great Fortuna! Hot Girl in My Marketing Class Says She Supports Labor

Oh Herr Engels, Herr Marx, Chairman, Uncle Ho. I thank thee for my great fortuna. Margaret from Ohio does indeed support labor. 

Gunboat Diplomacy: Study Abroad Soft Launches About as Soft as Opening of Japan by US Navy Commodore Matthew C. Perry

Each time I see the oh so not recognizable Amalfi Coast, a discreet half image of Big Ben, or the completely unfamiliar Sydney Opera House, my mind fills with textbook figures of gouty white men in uniforms stepping out of armed ships and [ACTION REQUIRED] emails. 

Rookie Mistake: Freshman Confused Why NOTO So Hard To Find at “Club” Fair

The people manning the booths were completely unfashionable and some clubs – see MERT – even prided themselves on NOT being drinking clubs.

Oh Melancholia! How I Felt When I Learned That I Was Excluded From the Hill 1-Green “Fake IDs” Group Chat

Turns out they were a group order of fakes in their own right. 

Ok Hypocrite: My Dad Tells Me To Study Hard for Finals After Failing His Paternity Test

He’s just a man to me. I always wondered why I looked Wasian despite having a white dad. Well now I know, this fool failed the test.

Amy Waxed?? Ok Amyyy, Who Are You Seeing Tonight?

Wax may be a public pariah but this part of her identity remains pubic. 

Limited Time Offer: Penn Closet To Sell Halal Meat Flavored Perfume

I used to go to class and the stupid whores with Dior bags would scrunch their nose jobs and say, “It smells like greasy meat and gasoline in here.” Well girls, it didn’t just smell like it, you were smelling it!

“Woke” Professor Late to 8AM Lecture

Her children are homeschooled so that they don’t deprive other students a spot at Germantown Friends. Her husband teaches them, because he’s her bitch. She killed her dad to smash the patriarchy.