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Justine Orgel


Articles

It Be My Great Fortuna! Hot Girl in My Marketing Class Says She Supports Labor

Oh Herr Engels, Herr Marx, Chairman, Uncle Ho. I thank thee for my great fortuna. Margaret from Ohio does indeed support labor. 


Gunboat Diplomacy: Study Abroad Soft Launches About as Soft as Opening of Japan by US Navy Commodore Matthew C. Perry

Each time I see the oh so not recognizable Amalfi Coast, a discreet half image of Big Ben, or the completely unfamiliar Sydney Opera House, my mind fills with textbook figures of gouty white men in uniforms stepping out of armed ships and [ACTION REQUIRED] emails. 


Rookie Mistake: Freshman Confused Why NOTO So Hard To Find at “Club” Fair

The people manning the booths were completely unfashionable and some clubs – see MERT – even prided themselves on NOT being drinking clubs.


Oh Melancholia! How I Felt When I Learned That I Was Excluded From the Hill 1-Green “Fake IDs” Group Chat

Turns out they were a group order of fakes in their own right. 


Ok Hypocrite: My Dad Tells Me To Study Hard for Finals After Failing His Paternity Test

He’s just a man to me. I always wondered why I looked Wasian despite having a white dad. Well now I know, this fool failed the test.


Amy Waxed?? Ok Amyyy, Who Are You Seeing Tonight?

Wax may be a public pariah but this part of her identity remains pubic. 


Limited Time Offer: Penn Closet To Sell Halal Meat Flavored Perfume

I used to go to class and the stupid whores with Dior bags would scrunch their nose jobs and say, “It smells like greasy meat and gasoline in here.” Well girls, it didn’t just smell like it, you were smelling it!


“Woke” Professor Late to 8AM Lecture

Her children are homeschooled so that they don’t deprive other students a spot at Germantown Friends. Her husband teaches them, because he’s her bitch. She killed her dad to smash the patriarchy. 



Hello, I Am Applying to Your DEI Committee as a White Person Who Calls My Asian Girlfriend Mi Amor

She calls me gringo and I call her Mi Amor.


Sorry I Said Your Writing Was Horrendous, Worthless, Asinine, and Elementary — I Was Just Hungry

I return having smoked a cigarette and eaten a Quest Bar. Dear Sir, your writing was great!


Champagne This, Shackles That, Who’s Going To Bail Me Out for Public Indecency?

Champagne and shackles is yet another example of the blatant insensitivity of Penn students towards marginalized communities. Express your support for these communities by donating to my GoFundMe bail fund or the Innocence Project. 


What?! Sigma Alpha Epsilon Not Actually Delicious Smoothie Bowl?

SAE was even rumored to throw late nights and events, how festive! Students even called SAE "dank," as a California girl who loves to hit the blunt, I was sold.


OP-ED: Twin-XL Beds Perpetuate Unhealthy Barbie-Like Beauty Standards

In fact, they are proud to accept fat people! Sorority bids are entirely based on controllable traits, such as wealth, clothes, and acne.




Reverse Cowgirl and 9 Other Workarounds to Mask-Fishing

My bosom could now be mounted without my face being a massive turnoff. Masks were the new protection; I’ll take paper over latex any day. 


Sorry I Was Late to Class Professor, My Service Rabbit Laid an Egg and Hatched Babies in My Room

Here's a valid excuse for missing class: a warning to the insensitive fools who skip class for a death in the family.


OP-ED: I’m Not Being Hazed I Just Have a Bad Sense of Style

Can we normalize dressing badly? It's not just a hazing thing. For some of us, it's a lifestyle.


Never Panic Again! Students Invest in Diapers Instead of Locating PennCard

You're not you when your bladder's about to burst! Go buy a diaper :)


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