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Five Giant Fall Scarves That Are Actually Just Trauma Blankets for When Your Heroes Inevitably Commit Sexual Assault


Photo by Pixabay / CC0

Fall can be a ~chilly~ time of year, made even ~chillier~ when you inevitably find out the men you looked up to are actually sexual predators. Here are five giant scarves that will keep you cozy through the cold fall breeze, and put a super comfy Band-Aid on our societal injustices!


This chunky knit scarf is perfect for when you find out Al Franken felt up a girl while she was asleep. The weight of your own personal trauma blanket can’t take off all of the weight of knowing one of your favorite feminists thought it was funny to demean his female co-worker, but it will help with some of it, and for sure will make you look fall chic!


What the fuck. Toxic masculinity took the beloved climate change activist and registered hottie Leo Dicaprio to?? Not yet, but we’d say there’s a good 50% chance he’ll be in the news in the next week. Wrap yourself up in this boho knit trauma blanket, and feel the support that you wish our legal system had for the woman he has probably mistreated.


If this doesn’t say fall we don’t know what does! Drape yourself in this luscious autumnal accessory in an attempt to externally heal your wounds that have already been very deeply internalized. You’ll be so warm and comfy, you won't even think about how some of Steven Colbert’s off color jokes are windows into potential hidden misconduct… that is until his name pops up in your CNN news alerts two weeks from now with testimonials from 12 different women. Again, we’re not saying it will happen, but if it does, boy will you be warm and toasty!


Think this blanket scarf looks familiar? Yup, that’s right, the international human rights lawyer and style icon, Amal Clooney, was seen walking around SoHo wearing it just last week. Get it now and bundle up in this huge scarf when it breaks that her husband George was doing weird things to women in college. We’re not sure what weird things his pretty face was doing just yet, but we know that he probably did something real shitty.


This cute red and green look is perfect for the Christmas season. Along with a warm glass of apple cider, this scarf/ trauma blanket will keep you nice and snug on the road to winter, and might warm your soul a little after you find out your hero Joe Biden inappropriately touched women without their consent. Ya, we don’t want this to happen either, and in fact, if it doesn’t happen we would be thrilled, but if you own this gorgeous and humongous scarf, you’ll be prepared either way!