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Flummoxing: Student Won’t Stop Forcing Newly Learned Word Into Every Conversation


Yesterday, in what is quickly proving to be one of the century’s most devastating tragedies, college sophomore Ronald Silver stumbled over a thesaurus on his morning walk through Kaskey Park. Not long after, the devastating effects of this harrowing event were being felt by those unlucky enough to engage in conversation with Silver. 

After discovering the now-infamous word ‘flummox’ on page two of the thesaurus, Silver ran back to his dorm, searching for someone to bewilder with his newfound erudition. His roommate, John Williams, was first in the line of fire. 

Recounting the events to UTB, according to Williams, as soon as Silver entered the room, he could tell something was off: “He just had this demonic gleam in his eyes,” Williams told us, shuddering slightly. 

And then it happened. His voice unsteady, Silver asked his roommate how he was doing. Williams, out of reflex, responded, “Alright. How about you?” He didn’t, of course, really care how Silver was doing but asked anyway. “As soon as I said it, I knew it was a mistake,” Williams said, a tear now in his eye and his head in his hands. The ground began to shake as Silver replied, his gaze cast askance ominously, “A little flummoxed, but good otherwise.” 

“I just felt totally inadequate next to this clearly great man. I was totally distraught, and I started crying hysterically,” Williams told us. Silver, having achieved his desire of imposing his superior intelligence upon his inferior classmate, moved on to his next victim. 

Unfortunately for the good people of Wawa, it was there that Silver struck next. After picking up a chocolate bar he had no intention of eating, Silver made his way to the unsuspecting cashier. Pleasantly, she asked him whether he would like a receipt. And then it happened. The lights began to flicker as Silver replied, “Hmmm. How flummoxing. No thanks.” Needless to say, the innocent woman was utterly devastated after the encounter. 

But Silver didn’t stop there. As he walked back to his dorm from Wawa, he continued to impose his superior intellect on all who walked by him, making snide remarks such as “How flummoxing the weather is today,” and “What flummoxing shoes you have.” 

At the behest of concerned parents and community members, Penn campus police have warned students to avoid interaction with Silver at all costs; there is a ten thousand dollar reward for his apprehension, dead or alive.