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BREAKING! Girl Lies About Age on Fake ID


Photo from Creative Commons / CC0

According to an anonymous source, over the weekend Penn Freshman Ella Williams was caught lying about her age on a fake driver’s license. Williams, a New Jersey native, claims that she “didn't do anything wrong and this is stupid that I have to sit down and interview with you guys you aren't even a real publication," in an exclusive interview with Under the Button.

Many witnesses claim to have seen Williams get into an altercation with security at NOTO, a popular nightclub in center city Philadelphia. Williams was probed by security to recite her home address and zip code when she yelled “I’m too fucked up on Pink Whitney to answer that” in a slurred manner. Her ID was confiscated by security shortly thereafter. NOTO security confirm that they were immediately suspicious after seeing Williams' ID, as it stated that her legal name was "Ligma Balls" and she was born in 1981. After the altercation, Williams claims that she was sent home in an Uber carpool by her “cheap ass friends” to her dorm in the Quadrangle. Her friends confirmed that it was not an Uber carpool, nor did she return to the Quad, but it was an ambulance taking her to Thomas Jefferson Hospital for alcohol poisoning treatment. 

After this altercation, Under the Button journalist and world-renowned supermodel Margarita Matta (me lol omg) decided to reinvestigate the scene that occurred Saturday night to uncover just who Ella Williams is. After substantial criminology work including DNA samples, black light samples, saliva tests, interviews, and anal probing, Under the Button can confirm that Ella Williams, or Ligma Balls as she refers to herself as, is indeed a dangerous criminal.

Not only that, but after the waterboarding portion of her interview, Williams confessed to yet another crime – she had lied about being an organ donor. The events of last weekend were not in accordance with the values of the Penn community. Frankly, we are appalled at the criminality and dishonesty exhibited by Ligma Balls.