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Margarita Matta


Articles

DONT SKIP!!! READ THIS ARTICLE FOR 10 YEARS OF LUCK (SHARE 3 TIMES TO LOCK IN YOUR KARMA)

MANIFESTATION IS REAL IF YOU SKIP THIS ARTICLE YOU WILL HAVE BAD KARMA FOREVER!!!! AND A PIANO WILL DROP ON YOUR HEAD AT 11:11PM!!!!!!


OP-ED: How Can I Be One of the Boys While Still Asserting My Feminine, Delicate Figure?

 I must conquer both my quirky, boyish, relatable self, and my petite, teeny-tiny, hourglass figure.


I Fucking Hate This School! News of Distrito Closing Sophomore Girl’s Last Straw

“Where the fuck am I supposed to drink margs for a pregame now, Copa? Have you fucking had their margaritas?” 


Anonymous Sorority Welcomes Undisclosed Number of Unknown People Into New Pledge Class

We have been alerted that these lovely women love birdwatching, and often are missing from their rooms at night searching for owls. “We love owls.”


Student Appeals Academic Board, Claiming Her Biracial Relationship Satisfies Cross-Cultural Analysis Requirement

Johnson shares that she was ultimately unsuccessful in her appeal, but is not giving up on “fighting the good fight.”


OP-ED: The Grab and Go Policy Should Be Extended to Fracket Piles

Tonight, like a phoenix from the ashes, you will steal that Aritizia Superpuff that was so delicately, so playfully tossed across the Natty Light puddle beneath your feet. It’s fate.


Fuck It—Penn to Require On-Campus Housing For-Life

Penn actually cares about us so super duper much. So much, in fact, that they are now requiring on-campus housing for life! We get to live in West Philly for...ever!!!!!!!


Progressive! Frats Host Anti-women’s Suffrage Fundraiser, Claiming They “Don’t Want Women to Suffer Anymore”

Thanks to this campus-wide fundraiser, Penn fraternities have been able to end women’s suffrage in multiple countries, including Canada, Mesopotamia, Texas, ancient Greece, and the USSR.


Bitch, You’re My Soulmate: Gutmann and Magill Spotted Together at Euphoria Watch Party

As the Penn community awaits Magill taking over Gutmann’s presidency, many have assumed that tensions between the two women are high. These people are sorely mistaken—the only thing getting high is them! 


OP-ED: They Should Replace the Quad With 1,500 Individual Tiny Homes

This is the new Freshman experience.


Feminist! Huntsman To Be Renamed Huntswoman

It is rumored that similar initiatives will take place campus-wide, renaming Speakman hall and Perelman quadrangle to Speakwoman and Perelwoman, respectively.


OP-ED: They Should Replace Green Passes With the Gold Star Sticker System From Preschool

You were able to produce spit into a tube within an allotted two-week period? Gold star.


Oh You Can’t Name Five Brothers? Take a Lap

Yeah, I’m sorry man, I can’t let all of you guys in unless you know other brothers in the house. I don’t make the rules! Well…actually…I kind of do.


OP-ED: Let’s Not Cancel Mansplaining Because I Actually Don’t Understand Anything

No, I don’t understand what the fuck a supply shortage is and why it is causing the Starbucks on 40th and Walnut to be out of stock of the breakfast sandwich I eat every single day. 


BREAKING! Girl Lies About Age on Fake ID

After substantial criminology work including DNA samples, black light samples, saliva tests, interviews, and anal probing, we were able to uncover that Williams did indeed lie about her age, hence her altercation with NOTO security.


OP-ED: Gender Studies Should Be a Wharton Major

How can Wharton students go into the business world successfully without reciting Barbara Frischmuth's feminist theory auto-biography Die Klostureschule (in original German) by memory?


Op-Ed: Amy Gutmann has 7 Horcruxes and Here’s What I Think They Are

After first setting eyes on Amy Gutmann, any Penn student will ask themselves the same question -- how the fuck does her skin look so fucking soft and she’s literally 70 fucking years old?! The answer might surprise you.


Five Middle Aged Men to Dress Up as for Halloween (Bald Cap Required)

Need some last minute costume ideas? I've got you covered. 


BREAKING! Frats Announced New Spotify Playlist That Only Plays Diplos 'On My Mind' Once

This rebellion was a long instigated effort by both Panhellenic and University students to put an end to these horrible, white-girl anthem monstrosities.


Gutmann Shopping for Oktoberfest Outfit: 'Which Sexy Lederhosen Is Most Professional?'

After entering Spirit Halloween, Gutmann was quoted as asking store manager Joseph Kelly for the most appropriate traditional Lederhosen attire that would make her look “professional and honorable, but with an ass that just don’t quit."


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