Philly Ranked #1 City for Metallic Clanking and Grinding Noises at 3 A.M.

Yes! Philadelphia has been ranked the number one city in America for metallic clanking, grinding, and screeching noises in the wee hours of the morning.

“It’s about time!” Penn student Robbie Davis (C ‘22) yelled with jubilation. “Now, can we do something about this? It’s having an adverse effect on my sleep hygiene and severely impacting my overall mood, well-being, and productivity.”

To determine the ranking, U.S. News & World Report sent an extremely qualified team of judges to spend one week sleeping in University City. All but one of the judges had given up and gone home by the second night, complaining of “drastically reduced sleep quality” and “Jesus Christ, what is that, why is someone operating a forklift at 5 a.m.?” The remaining judge happened to be a heavy sleeper.

The noises, although excruciatingly loud and grating in character, have baffled inquisitive citizens attempting to trace them back to their sources.

“It sounds like, uh, one of those giant cranes or something?” Joe Montag (C ‘23) muttered, rubbing his eyes. “Or like someone is ripping a thick sheet of aluminum foil the size of ten city blocks again and again without stopping.”

“What? I don’t know! Why would you ask me? Coffee, I need coffee!” some Penn student screamed at our correspondent.

In any case, this ranking is a cause for celebration among Philadelphians and Penn students alike. We’re finally on the map, guys!