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OP-ED: They Should Do a Capella With Instruments


UGH! Another day, another dollar. And by another dollar? I mean another fucking a cappella group screaming at me to come to their a cappella show. It's exhausting! Here I am, walking down locust, with my robust upper body and snatched waist, listening to a podcast about nothing. And you bother me? To tell me to come to your a cappella show of all things? 

Honestly? This is what you sound like: "goo goo ga ga come to my a cappella show goo goo ga ga." That shit is for BABIES, ok? Have you ever heard of music? Like the drums or even guitar? That would make your mouth salad sound so much better! Try the keyboard. The trombone. The maracas. The french horn. The stylophone. The clarinet. The glass harmonica. The glockenspiel. Heck, how about the hornucopian dronepipe?! 

The banjo. The banjo cello. The bass banjo. The five-stringed banjo. The four-stringed banjo! The  ZITHER BANJO! All of those fine, fine instruments at your disposal— and you choose your mouths? 

I do not need you to stand there, in a semi-circle, stomping your feet, waving your hands in a weird way with your mouth in an o-shape. Enough of this zoom-zoom oo-oo bullshit. Take it back to 6th grade orchestra class, and then come to me with an offer. I'm tired.