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Screw It: University to Convert Harnwell into New SeaWorld Location


 Photo (with edits) by Roger Ge / The Daily Pennsylvanian and woolennium / CC BY 2.0

For once, Harnwell’s future is looking bright. In an announcement that was met with rousing applause and unbridled enthusiasm, the University declared today that Harnwell would be transformed into a new SeaWorld location.

“Screw it, release the dolphins,” Director of Residential Services Justin Hopper muttered, staring at the water leaking out the windows on the 22nd floor.

SeaWorld Harnwell will include all of the aquatic creatures you’ve come to know and love: seals, polar bears, German cockroaches, rats, and fish. With over 20 wondrous, water-logged floors to explore, visitors will never have a dull moment. Oh, and don’t worry about tanks: each floor lounge will be hermetically sealed, filled with water, and made home to a unique denizen of the deep.

Besides the students who were forced to move out of their dorms (they are furious), the overall reception to the decision has been overwhelmingly positive.

“Oh man, this is totally cash,” Rodin resident Jamey Holmes (C ‘22) said as he watched penguins walk single-file through the hallowed doors of Harnwell.

“SeaWorld is a dubious organization at best, surrounded by controversy and only concerned with their public image insofar as it gets them more money,” Sara Rose (C ‘23) said. “So they’d fit right in here! Welcome to Penn!”

The new and improved Harnwell will be opening its doors next week. Pre-order your tickets today! Note: if you are a freshman or sophomore, you must attend at least two (2) SeaWorld shows each semester.