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Witchcraft! Roommate Brews Potion by Letting Pot Sit On Stove for a Week

Heap of dirty utensil on the kitchen
  • ¼ cup extra-virgin olive oil
  • 1 onion (medium finely diced)
  • 2 cloves garlic (large chopped)
  • ¾ cup dry white wine
  • 3 socks left on the couch
  • 12 times she suggested I attend church with her
  • 6 awkward conversations in the hallway about the amount of mail local restaurants stuff in our door
  • 1 lost safety deposit after she tripped down the stairs and banged her head into the wall and then denied it even though I took a video and sent her the video and sent the landlord the video
  • 6 ferrets she lost in the apartment
  • 3 pubes left on the toilet seat
  • ½ pound ground beef
  • ½ pound ground veal
  • ¼ pound ground pork
  • 11 conversations overheard of her on the phone with her father and referring to him as “daddy” 
  • 4 mental breakdowns in the living room at 7pm on a Monday about how her on-again-off-again boyfriend didn’t invite her to his date nights
  • 1 time she forgot to disconnect her speaker before playing BDSM furry Law & Order roleplay porn on her computer
  • 1 time she didn’t lock the door while shaving her bush over the trash can in the bathroom
  • 4 sweaters of hers left perpetually on top of the dryer 
  • 28 ounces peeled Italian tomatoes (1 can seeded and finely chopped, juices reserved)
  • 1 cup chicken stock or canned low-sodium broth 
  • Salt and freshly ground pepper 
  • Freshly grated Parmesan (for serving)
  • 9 fights with her on-again-off-again boyfriend about why he won’t be exclusive even though the last time they had anal it was better because she used poppers
  • 2 squeezed lemons
  • 2 chicken breasts
  • 1.5 avocados 
  • 1 Saxbys large latte with half soy milk, half half-and-half with whipped cream, sprinkles, at 120 Degrees, 10 Pumps Vanilla, served upside down and with no caffeine 
  • 3 crabs, alive
  • 2 teeth from an unknown source
  • A baby that she swears isn’t hers and is certainly not mine
  • 4 potatoes of mine that were stolen
  • 9 plants she fertilized with her period blood
  • 1 carrot (medium finely diced)
  • A faint smell of burnt salmon after every time she goes to the bathroom
  • 1 celery rib (medium finely diced)
  • 8 times I was trying to study but had to listen to her really loud sexual foreplay wherein her and her now-official boyfriend act out the scene where Peter Pan visits older Wendy
  • 2 ounces pancetta (thickly sliced, finely diced)

Mix all together, cook at high heat for 15 minutes and then leave on the stove for an entire  week to create a witch’s brew that’s guaranteed to make any roommate hate you.