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I’m in Charge Now, Suckers: Welcome to Pritchett World


Photo (with edits) by Mona Lee / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Good morning, suckers! At long last, with that blonde woman out of the way, it’s finally my turn in the limelight! Oh, there’s going to be a lot of changes — a LOT — around here.

Who am I, you ask? WHO AM I? I’m Wendell goddamn Pritchett! What do you mean, you’ve never heard of me? Shut up! SHUT! UP!!! God DAMN IT!

First of all: only speak when you are spoken to. Got it? I’m in charge now! No more Wendell do this, Wendell do that… GO DO IT YOURSELF!!!! GAH!

Christ, I should be living like a king… like royalty, god damn it… I deserve this, I deserve this so much…

I want bowling alleys. And an all-you-can-eat buffet, with mac-and-cheese like momma used to make! A butler at my beck and call! And an iron fist, for symbolic reasons. Water slides! I need water slides. Oh, and a couple Olympic-size swimming pools. With sno-cone machines! A personal masseuse who can feed me grapes from time to time! And flamenco dancers! Hundreds of them!

Huh? What do you mean, “it can’t be done?” I don’t understand. Remind me again — who’s the one calling the shots here?!

Oh, I’m sorry, but are you the accomplished legal scholar and extensively published author on topics such as urban history and public policy? No? THEN RESPECTFULLY PUT A SOCK IN IT and GET TO WORK!!

"Pritchett World." Yes, that’s what I’ll call it. Pritchett…World... haha, I quite like that… yeah, that sounds good. Pritchett World… hmmm… hahaha……. Hmmmmahahahha……yeah……...hahaa………………