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Imbecile! Rush Who Dropped Fraternity Expects To Still Be Friends


Seyoung An | Design Associate

Despite allegedly going to an Ivy League school, local freshman Asher Greene thought that dropping Oats wouldn’t mean our friendship would end. What an idiot!

Clearly he doesn’t understand how rush works. For a few weeks, we seduce him. Ask him about his major. Ask about where he’s living. Shit like that. At which point, we are officially friends with him. He believes we care about him and whatever bullshit he enjoys talking about. Then, he’s supposed to be so wowed by this that he agrees to give up his soul and his liver. Simple.

But no. Greene rejected the bid, and somehow still thinks we’ll be friends. Let me be clear, Asher. You are not my friend. My real friends have had horse manure thrown at them while drinking Natty Lights. My real friends have eaten donkey piss while snakes bit their toes. My real friends occasionally make eye contact with me during sex. That is what friends are, Asher!

What do you even think our relationship would be outside the fraternity? Grabbing meals sometimes and going to see movies we both enjoy? That sounds like some first grade shit. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go get kicked in the nuts while someone tazers my asshole.