Mathematics Department Eradicated as Everything Revealed to Have Two Sides

Much to the delight of students, the mathematics department at Penn was recently abolished following a direct order from the board of directors. In her address to the community, Amy Gutmann had the following to say:

“In today’s day and age, we can simply no longer justify teaching a subject so antiquated and primitive as mathematics; since it is no longer possible to definitively answer questions such as the sum of two and two, or whether it is reprehensible to physically attack a classmate solely based on their ethnic heritage, the study of mathematics can no longer be taught nor practiced at Penn. While I realize that this may upset those of you who believe in ‘absolute truth’ or ‘right and wrong’, your views are simply wrong and will not be tolerated any longer at this fine institution. Thank you for your time.”

Though many students were elated to hear this wonderful news of Penn’s moral progress, a few students, namely heterosexual females who previously listened to Profesor Ghrist’s salacious math videos, were displeased by the news. Regardless, this is certainly the right action to take given recent events.