My Mom Texts Me “How’s School?” Girl Shut the Fuck Up

My mother sends me a WhatsApp message regarding homemade remedies for my aggressive full-body rash, expecting a response (and honestly, I want that level of delusion for the rest of 2022).

I’m not totally sure what she wants me to say after asking, “What did you do today?”

I could say, “I skipped my morning lecture because I got distracted by my reflection, and then I rolled around on the floor of McClelland for half an hour.” And after I tell her this, my mother will inform me that I am a stupid little boy.

So instead, I tell her, “Well, mother, this morning, I walked to the Amazon. And when I arrived, I began the hunt for the native Sapo frog. I chase the frog around the rainforest, and finally catch it—but I do not injure it. I take each of its legs and tie them to individual stakes. I keep the frog in the hot sun, its limbs outstretched, forcing it to sweat. I collect this sweat. I then take a stick. I set it on fire, and I burn my arm. Slowly, but gently. Just enough for my skin to blister and peel back. And I take my stick again, this time plunging it in the frog’s sweat. I then place the sweat-laden stick on the blisters on my arm. And after doing that, I have the most intense high of my entire life. That is what I did today, mother.”