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Never Panic Again! Students Invest in Diapers Instead of Locating PennCard


Ugh! It's that time again—that bidaily time in which I make the tragic discovery that I still have a working bladder and kidneys. God damn it. It’s been 16 hours since my last panicked episode and I need to pee again—badly. Ah well! Time to look for my PennCard. Ugh! Not again! Where is my PennCard? My gateway to the throne! Alas, I misplace my royal scepter so often. In fact, every time I need to urinate, I seem to have nearly misplaced my shining piece of plastic. How inconvenient. Well, it must be somewhere in this room that I used my card to get into 16 hours ago and haven’t left since. Let’s see…

This story ended in tragedy. Like always. Local UTI-kidney-stone-kidney-infection-girl did not find her PennCard. ‘Tis a shame that she deemed her Penn 2025 lanyard passé, because this easy access to the loo would have spared her the feeling of peeing of glass shards in the middle of the floor. Well, at least she drank little to nothing at all in those 16 hours, so the little drops of orange liquid meshed well with her Restoration Hardware pile rug.

Feeling unsettled? Asking yourself when the last time you peed was? Well, you should either locate your PennCard or explore the following option: diapers.

Let’s face it. Keeping track of your PennCard in your five-by-five foot room is no easy task. So before Penn releases an Apple Wallet version of the PennCard for the iPhone, a device we all need on the crapper, let’s go back to basics. 

Stationary life is not going away, especially in this cold 60-degree weather. Good news! Diapers let you sit in your own filth, no PennCard required. Adopt the mindset of an infant and urinate and defecate at will! A return to the state of nature.

As Thomas Hobbes would say, “So that in the first place, I put for a general inclination of all [wo]mankind [#feminism] a perpetual and restless desire of shit after piss, that ceaseth only in death [unless the heat releaseth a log]. And the cause of this is not always that a man hopes for a more intensive delight than he has already attained to, or that he cannot be content with a moderate fart, but because he cannot assure the relief and means to be six pounds lighter, which hath present, without the relinquishing of more.”

Well said, no? To be free is to be Pampered.