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OP-ED: I’m Not Being Hazed I Just Have a Bad Sense of Style


By Jim Lo Scalzo/Shutterstock

Heyyy besties, can you stop asking me if I’m being hazed? Hehe thanks. I’m going to tell you my deepest, darkest secret that I don’t tell anyyyyybody. Pinky (pink is my favorite color hehe) promise not to tell anyone? I don’t want a repeat of the whole class knowing I have anxiety-related diarrhea haha. Everybody poops right? Ok haha sorry I’m soooo ADHD, haha even though I got tested back in West Chester and the shrink said I’m just privileged and sheltered, I knowwwww I for sureeeee have ADHD hehe <3. Ok, my secret!! Sorry!!

Umm, I’m trying not to cry right now, somebody must have switched my Lexapro with birth control, ughhhh I hate when that happens. Ok get it together, cheerleading tips 101! Ok! Girlies, I didn’t get into OAX… or Tri Delt… or Alpha Chi Omega. In fact, I didn’t get into any. Unless you consider my OB’s recommendation that I enter a convent to be an invitation to sisterhood, I got no bids. Yeah I bolded my period you caught me. At least I started typing my thoughts instead of writing in pink Sharpie in my journal hehe.

Now that you know all of this, can you guys pleaseeee stop asking me if I’m being hazed? See why I’d be upset? No. I’m not being hazed. I wish I was being hazed. I just like to dress up like an animal, is there a problem with that? Is it really so bad for my thong to take a hike up my arsehole? It helps with the anxiety-related diarrhea. You’re just reminding me that the sororities that didn’t want me didn’t value my fashion choices. I knowwww nobody’s paying attention to me even though every product I use has the word “sex” in it, so don’t start by reminding me of my literal. TRAUMA. Ok hehe thanks girlies and gay boys that I want to turn straight <3 OAX if you’re reading this, you missed out. If you were hazing me, EVERYONE would know. Good publicity, no? You missed out on my big juicy –