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Ten Ways to Maintain Your Painstakingly Crafted and Curated Persona on BeReal


Photo from Pixabay / CC0 

So, you’ve finally caved to peer pressure and downloaded BeReal. Now, what’s next? Is it finally time to show your true, genuine self to others? Of course not, silly! Leave that to the knuckle-dragging plebeians with boring, meaningless lives—you, my friend, have an image to uphold. When it comes time to snap that fateful pic, here are ten easy tricks you can use to appear more interesting, fun, and thoughtful than you really are:

  1. Take a picture of one of the potted plants in your house. Preferably choose one that’s near a window—the framing and lighting need to be perfect. Wow, you’re so chill and artistic.
  2. Hang out on the bus all day. That’s right, you’re on public transport. You’re down to earth. And you’ve got places to be.
  3. Just snap a pic of the nearest crowd of people. If you shake your camera a bit, it almost kind of looks like all of them could be your friends.
  4. Loiter in upscale restaurants. Order a glass of white wine from time to time to keep the restaurant managers from kicking you out. Fancy food means you have loads of disposable income!
  5. Leave a Word Doc with a couple pages of filler text open at all times. Of course, any scholar worth their salt has longform essays to write. Note: Google Docs won’t cut it. Jesus, you’re classier than that.
  6. Run outside and take a selfie with the first tree you can find. Quick, you only have two minutes! If you can pull this one off, then people will know that you’re a grounded, well-adjusted individual who is in touch with Mother Earth.
  7. Lie in bed and watch cult classic movies on repeat. Your friends need to know of your exquisite taste and refined sensibilities. Don’t overdo it though—make sure you can fit your casually sock-clad feet in the photo.
  8. Prepare a five-course meal and have it on standby. Make sure you clear all the junk off your dining room table and get the plating just right before immortalizing that delicious spread online. Bonus points if you can rope people into pretending to be your dinner guests!
  9. Borrow notes and a textbook from one of your nerd friends. Highlight a couple of random words and give the camera a quizzical look as if you’re lost in thought, pondering the intricacies of quantum mechanics and crystal field theory.
  10. Place a copy of Baudrillard’s Simulacra and Simulation on the coffee table in front of you. When someone asks about it, explain how the social perception of authenticity has supplanted authenticity itself, and everyone will think you are very smart.