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Ugh! I Can No Longer Let My Tongue Hang Limply From My Mouth in COMM 125 Recitation


Photo by Highland Canine Training LLC // CC by 2.0

As you may have heard, Penn has lifted the indoor mask mandate. For many of you, this may be a relief. No longer will you be confined by the fascist and, worse, unfashionable demands of this administration. You can finally use your mouth to breathe and suck cock as HaShem intended. However, for me, this is a living nightmare because I can no longer let my tongue hang out of my mouth in my recitations.

You may be wondering, Jackson, why do you let your tongue hang out of your mouth in public? The answer: I think it is adorable. It reminds me of those dogs who can’t put their tongue back in their mouths. Letting my tongue hang out of my mouth is like a private affirmation that I am cute and petite like a Yorkshire terrier. Obviously, these are very important qualities, more so than wisdom and altruism.

By reinstating its mask mandate, Penn is taking this away from me. By forcing me to put my tongue back in my mouth, I now feel like a disgusting elephant, lumbering down Locust Walk as passersby throw peanuts at my gaping maw. Wendell, I beg you to please reconsider lifting the mask mandate so I can still feel like the beautiful tiny petite squishy baby dog that I am.