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BREAKING: Secret Weight Room Found at Renowned Study Space Pottruck


Photo by Samantha Turner / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Amazing! A new discovery at the Pottruck Studying and Knowledge Center has left nerds across campus dumbfounded.

Pottruck, a shining beacon of scholarship and mental advancement, has been home base for Penn’s brightest since 2003. And that’s what makes this new finding so baffling: last Tuesday, Pottruck regular Kevin Huang (C ‘23) stumbled upon a door to a secret weight room during one of his daily study sessions.

“Yeah, I just finished doing some triple integrals and went to go take a bathroom break,” Huang said, adjusting his glasses. “But then I stumbled upon this weird looking door… I tried pushing it, and bam — it was like, a ‘gym’ or something.”

The hidden room and its puzzling contents have intrigued many of Pottruck’s most analytically-minded.

“There were… these things, heavy things. Things that were heavier than I could ever have imagined,” Stevie Cook (C ‘24) said, awestruck. “Why would you ever need things that heavy?”

“The beings I saw in there… they were… they were inhuman,” Juliet Simpson (E ‘22) murmured. “I… need to go… do some Laplace transforms… and drink cold brew…”

Efforts are currently underway to seal the unholy chamber with its godless inhabitants inside.

“With a little bit of luck, Pottruck will go back to being the bustling Socratic space that we all know and love,” said general manager Jorge Bishan. “Now, pass me that can of expanding foam.”