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Penn to Launch the LGBT Center Into Outer Space


Neil Armstrong. Buzz Aldrin. Alan Shepard. 

What do these fools have in common?


You heard me. Astronomy is a backwards, fucked-up, conservative business. 

And what would be better to overcome this mighty challenge than the Penn Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Center, which finds itself at 3907 Spruce Street, Philadelphia, PA, 19104 to help all of you needy little sinners?

So here’s the plan, gals:

Strap a series of poppers around the circumference of the building. Throw nail polish across the curtains. Rip up all the carpets and demand that they get replaced with pink stretchy fabric. Remove all erroneous items weighing us down (books, sports gear, sports balls, sports clothes) and burn, burn, burn baby. This is the fuel to our fire. 

Once all is lit, the combustion will get this sucker free from the homophobic waters within which it wades. We will go up, up, up and away, filling the void so woefully and ignorantly established at present by the lack of space-gays. 

While floating around, expect to se-

Oh wait! Hahah. I forgot!

We would have overcome the regressive perspectives of cosmic entities except for one problem: does anyone ever actually go inside that building? It’s pretty close to a church, and it's impossible for those two things to co-exist.

Homophobia PREVAILS.

Alas. We will now focus our efforts and funding on expanding and adding more tampons to Locust. #WomensHistoryMonthForever