Oscar Eichmann
Articles
OP-ED: I Ain’t Got Much, but I'll Always Have My Dunkin’ Boosted Status
Proudly, I #runondunkin
OP-ED: My Name Tent Doesn’t Define Me, My Pensive Sighing Does
The horror, goddam the horror.
We Asked ChatGPT to Write An Article For Us. Here’s What it Produced.
Beep boop beep boop.
Breaking: Mark’s Cafe to Be Replaced by French Patisserie With Little Chef Hats
Mark, you shouldn't have! Mais non, Mark! Mark, mais non!
Aww: Local Incel Elated to See Tinder Match Who Ghosted Them All Cozy and Well-Hydrated at UBB
The critically acclaimed creep show You has a fifth season set in the most perilous, abstract, iridescent slice of paradise: United By Blue (Coffee (Inc(.))).
Future Daddy Issues? A Funny-Looking Man Named John Wants to Give Me Basic Healthcare
Home is where John is.
Penn to Launch the LGBT Center Into Outer Space
Once all is lit, the combustion will get this sucker free from the homophobic waters within which it wades. We will go up, up, up and away, filling the void so woefully and ignorantly established at present by the lack of space-gays.
Important Announcement From Amy Gutmann: This Is an Important Announcement From Amy Gutmann
Very Important Announcement From President Amy Gutmann Very Very Important Look Here Read Now Today Read
ESCANDALO: Penn to Replace Penn In-Touch With a Fax Machine
Your subjects will be out to you in five to eight business weeks.
Local White Guy Confused if Dressing up as Squid Game for Halloween Is Racist
This saga of white Confucianism continues.
BREAKING Report: Huntsman Building Was Shaped to Reinforce Penn’s Phallocentrism
The debate is fierce ... the question is, what would you do?
Local White Kid Confused After Not Being Given ‘Priority Access’ to Club Applications
If you can support in any way, he'll take donations by check.
Climate Week: Residential Halls Replace Toilet Paper With Sandpaper to See if Anyone Notices
Yes, it's good for the environment. Who needs beaches anyway?