Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

Oscar Eichmann


OP-ED: My Name Tent Doesn’t Define Me, My Pensive Sighing Does

The horror, goddam the horror. 

Breaking: Mark’s Cafe to Be Replaced by French Patisserie With Little Chef Hats

Mark, you shouldn't have! Mais non, Mark! Mark, mais non!

Aww: Local Incel Elated to See Tinder Match Who Ghosted Them All Cozy and Well-Hydrated at UBB

The critically acclaimed creep show You has a fifth season set in the most perilous, abstract, iridescent slice of paradise: United By Blue (Coffee (Inc(.))).

Penn to Launch the LGBT Center Into Outer Space

Once all is lit, the combustion will get this sucker free from the homophobic waters within which it wades. We will go up, up, up and away, filling the void so woefully and ignorantly established at present by the lack of space-gays. 

Important Announcement From Amy Gutmann: This Is an Important Announcement From Amy Gutmann

Very Important Announcement From President Amy Gutmann Very Very Important Look Here Read Now Today Read

ESCANDALO: Penn to Replace Penn In-Touch With a Fax Machine

Your subjects will be out to you in five to eight business weeks. 

Local White Guy Confused if Dressing up as Squid Game for Halloween Is Racist

This saga of white Confucianism continues. 

BREAKING Report: Huntsman Building Was Shaped to Reinforce Penn’s Phallocentrism

The debate is fierce ... the question is, what would you do?

Local White Kid Confused After Not Being Given ‘Priority Access’ to Club Applications

If you can support in any way, he'll take donations by check. 

Climate Week: Residential Halls Replace Toilet Paper With Sandpaper to See if Anyone Notices

Yes, it's good for the environment. Who needs beaches anyway?