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Woah! Mid-Tier Influencer/PPE Major Realizes the Internet Is Already Over


Photo by Daniel Scanlon

Here’s the deal: You, me, and like seven other people all crammed around a table discussing Foucault in one of those stuffy College Hall rooms that reek of “historic” carpet. You can keep it, Philo

I didn’t do the reading (brag), but I do know how to string together some phonaesthetically compelling words to make it sound like I did the reading. “A vibe shift is coming,” I muse. “Who will survive it?” An innocent quip, or so I thought. 

Something shifted in that moment. The mid-tier influencer I sit next to in class who makes me seem smart by comparison looks up from his computer, where I presume he spends his time typing out futile summer analyst applications. 

His eyes spiral into a fierce red, like when Jacque the shrimp decontaminated Nemo in the 2003 Pixar classic Finding Nemo. Perhaps he too is reconciling with his uncleanliness. 

Or maybe the hot red glowing eyeballs point to the deeper central truth, one he, an unsuspecting mid-tier influencer, was ready to share with the class. 

“We are fragile creatures perishing in time,” he says, interrupting the professor’s deluge about the panopticon.

He continues.

“The universe is cyclically consumed by the fire that engendered it. From blankness we are birthed, to blankness we return. Saudi oil conglomerates are subsidizing your brain’s deterioration by affixing you to an infinite supply of digital information goo. We soak in the static until the celestial trash compactors annihilate us in totality. Only the infinite will survive: the medium, the things with substance, the method of delivery, the universe’s unforgiving expanse. The internet will not survive.”

This kid definitely went to Exeter. Thank God the add-drop deadline isn’t until October.