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Daniel Scanlon


GBF Population Nosedives After Self-Actualized Girlypop Goes Abroad

They’re all in Spain, frolicking in Salamanca. 

BREAKING: Penn to Accept Its First Ever Lower Merionite

A decisive blow that’s sure to usher in new social interactions and a newfound appreciation for small, working-class communities: Penn Admissions has accepted a scrappy young fellow into the Class of 2027.

Gatekeeping the Toxic Situationship Soft-Launch Until You Slay

None of these words were in The Bible. 

OP-ED: Me When Earthly Desires Become Premeditated Disappointments

Everything is going to be okay (heart emoji).

20-Something Describes Consulting, Summons Nehallenia’s Portal

Do you ever think about how deeply unfuckable it is to work in a "knowledge-based industry?"

Ice Spice to Receive Honorary Doctorate From Wharton Marketing Department

"[She] blazed the trail for several thousand grants, fellowships, and exalted spiritual epiphanies."

Ben Franklin’s Rotting Corpse Banned From Student Groups

Penn has set its sights on the most obvious hurdle impeding a green future – oboe players.

How to Merge the Ego and the Self in the Huntsman Bathroom Mirror

 I miss the enlightened and sincere demeanor you presented with before this interschool minor!

OP-ED: You Can’t Kick Me Out of a GSR in a Way That Matters

I realize I am damned to this narrative.

Bhad Bhabie Hired to Lead Wharton Venture Lab

Bregoli recently had a moving speaking engagement at Oxford University, which is a big deal if you pronounce your r’s weirdly and can’t cook.

I Paid My Tuition Bill and Now the Dean Has a Fresh Fade

Like what the fuck is Magic Gardens and how is it going to impact the economy? 

10 Places to Perform Queer Longing After Your Situationship Moves Onto the Next Artsy Gay Pennsylvanian

I just found out that no one dies from love? This discovery has me shocked and upset to say the least. 

OP-ED: I’m Smiling Due to My Joy!

A failed situationship did not derail my life for four months!

Woah! Mid-Tier Influencer/PPE Major Realizes the Internet Is Already Over

This kid definitely went to Exeter.

Wowza! Locust Walk Reimagined Thanks to Penn-BlackRock Partnership

Preposterous! Sure, snake-game tile patterns work for the technocratic healthcare managers of the world, but the New Sincere era calls for more garish tile displays. 

EXCLUSIVE: The Inside Scoop on Liz Magill’s Synesthesia

When shown the Stanford insignia, reminiscent of her former employer, Magill responded, “Somewhere between Elizabeth Holmes and petrichor.”

I'm Healing My Inner Child by Posting on Sidechat

He has a spelling test tomorrow. 

Photo Essay: Is Nobody Going to Comment on My Petiteness?

The world is crumbling before my micrometer-wide eyes!