Daniel Scanlon
Articles
OP-ED: Action Items? Deliverables? What Happened to Hip Mobility?
You anguished for nine months over something stupid. Now you can be normal.
Fuck Yes! Teresa Caputo Appointed Chair of Penn Religious Studies
We return to fantasy not to forget, but to remember: other futures are possible.
REPORT: $80 For a Farm Wristband Seems Like a Lot, Phi Delt Brother Acknowledges
What if we were so far removed from it all that the lie became the truth?
BREAKING: Armed With Nuclear Warheads, Rival Sororities Compete for Fall Bake Sale ARCH Patio Space
Nothing screams Delta Delta Delta like a W88 for UGM-133 Trident II SLBM warhead!
Report: Record Number of Penn Students to Enlist in the IDGAF War
Even Obama is gagging, diva.
GBF Population Nosedives After Self-Actualized Girlypop Goes Abroad
They’re all in Spain, frolicking in Salamanca.
BREAKING: Penn to Accept Its First Ever Lower Merionite
A decisive blow that’s sure to usher in new social interactions and a newfound appreciation for small, working-class communities: Penn Admissions has accepted a scrappy young fellow into the Class of 2027.
Gatekeeping the Toxic Situationship Soft-Launch Until You Slay
None of these words were in The Bible.
OP-ED: Me When Earthly Desires Become Premeditated Disappointments
Everything is going to be okay (heart emoji).
20-Something Describes Consulting, Summons Nehallenia’s Portal
Do you ever think about how deeply unfuckable it is to work in a "knowledge-based industry?"
Ice Spice to Receive Honorary Doctorate From Wharton Marketing Department
"[She] blazed the trail for several thousand grants, fellowships, and exalted spiritual epiphanies."
Ben Franklin’s Rotting Corpse Banned From Student Groups
Penn has set its sights on the most obvious hurdle impeding a green future – oboe players.
How to Merge the Ego and the Self in the Huntsman Bathroom Mirror
I miss the enlightened and sincere demeanor you presented with before this interschool minor!
OP-ED: You Can’t Kick Me Out of a GSR in a Way That Matters
I realize I am damned to this narrative.
Bhad Bhabie Hired to Lead Wharton Venture Lab
Bregoli recently had a moving speaking engagement at Oxford University, which is a big deal if you pronounce your r’s weirdly and can’t cook.
I Paid My Tuition Bill and Now the Dean Has a Fresh Fade
Like what the fuck is Magic Gardens and how is it going to impact the economy?
10 Places to Perform Queer Longing After Your Situationship Moves Onto the Next Artsy Gay Pennsylvanian
I just found out that no one dies from love? This discovery has me shocked and upset to say the least.
University City Gyro Entrées to Include Free bell hooks Excerpts (While Supplies Last)
A halal cart menu hack!
OP-ED: I’m Smiling Due to My Joy!
A failed situationship did not derail my life for four months!
Woah! Mid-Tier Influencer/PPE Major Realizes the Internet Is Already Over
This kid definitely went to Exeter.