Authoritarian Tease? Penn Places Liens on Dorms of Students Involved in Convocation “Protest”

Ah, convocation. We all remember it, don’t we? The nostalgia of getting the e-vite that begins our careers at this wonderful university is a feeling that has loomed over every aging sell-out. What an absolute shame that the class of 2026 will not be experiencing said nostalgia, as the precious event they were totally underdressed for (I saw those pics y’all looked terrible) was rudely interrupted by individuals demanding the right to live.

HOWEVER! In exercising its “fail not” policy, this institution has seized all belongings of those students! Locking their dorms by nullifying their penn-cards, the university has effectively placed a lien on these filthy troublemakers who demanded to be heard. “We trust that you will use your innate talents to find housing and repurchase your stuff :)”, read the disciplinary email sent by the current president — Guttman would be proud.

After relatively immense backlash that will surely lead to amazing, wonderful, spectacular change, the administration has released the following statement: “Every action has its consequences, and although this reaction from our administration was not a fair consequence, we literally do not care! Like we actually could not care less.” 

Remember folks, higher education and recognition of privilege are only important elements in an academic’s life if they stand in line and never take action!