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Faresi Alfaresi


Articles

Open Letter to DP Editors: Who Cares? Spell Pharaoh.

‘you’re so hot! You’re the most professional girl in the world!’ 


Fucking Psycho… My Professor (Small Seminar Class) Didn’t Ask About My Winter Break

I put in so much work into my ice breaker and they literally don’t care if I die or not.


Erm… What Are We Supposed to Do At This Cafe • Bar • Restaurant • General Store?

Some things are more beautiful when they are left as ideas.


Finals Season Again! Here’s Why You Should Join Me In Self-Immolating Outside of Van Pelt:

THIS IS FACETIOUS I PROMISE THIS IS IN JEST THIS IS FROLICSOME ALL IS WELL


Food For Thought: Huntsman Kinda Looks like The Panopticon

From the GSRs, the Wharton students who book them can see every non-Wharton student, but these second-class citizens will never know whether or not they are being watched.



Stupid Bitch: '82 Alumna Recollects Boring Memories of Her Youth At the Peak of Our Biopond Synesthesia

She was colors and light. She was clouds and trees. She was the water my mother drank while we were in her womb. We are twins, could you have guessed?


UTB Guide: How to Wait For Your Friends Outside Harnwell Without Looking Like a Hooker

Read a poem. Write a poem. Make the mistake of starting something new.


OP-ED: The Itty Bitty Keypad At Harnwell Seems Rather Bourgeois

Perhaps whatever plastic surgery the keypad of this turnstile got is what fixed all of its problems, and maybe that can be a metaphor for me as well – who will be the plastic surgeon to my heart? 


Cougar Much? Girl (19, Junior) Goes to Date Night With 22 Year Old Freshman

I mean...what a fucking creep, right?


Insider’s Scoop: What They’re Not Telling You About UTB’s Writer Strike

The majority of what you heard about this writing publication is true: half of us are gay, half of us are going into consulting, all of us are an NYC 8 at least.


OP-ED: It’s Not Your Professor’s Fault That Your Academic Drive is Decaying like The Carrion of a Murdered Prey

You can’t blame their blabbering and the rainy weather forever


Thought Of The Day: I Want Liz Magill's Perfume

If someone reads this and knows what she uses please reach out & let me know ASAP.


“Sometimes, A Drink Feels Like Family” & Other Non-Concerning Statements to Help You During Rush

Are you an absolute loser who’s still lugging it through the final parts of rushing & aren’t sure if you’ll make it? Don’t worry! We got you covered.


How Studying At Fisher Fine Arts Helped Me (20, Masc) Understand Girlhood

I am now one Telfar and/or Marc Jacobs away from fully comprehending Penn-womanhood.


I'm Done With These Halal Food Trucks, Point Me To The Haram Ones

Having Halal Food Won't Absolve You of Your Sins


OP-ED: That Never Happened

A recounting of pre-break events


Report: Boyfriend Texting Drafts of Satire Headlines Again

“Wow, woke king! This white guy takes to a minority today!”


Shalom! UTB Now Hosting Conversion to Islam At The Daily Pennsylvanian Office

UTB Finally Got a DEI Executive Position


OP-ED: I Lost My Dignity to Bento Box A

Imagine if they were cheaper around finals... I would personally not be spared


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