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Your Decorations Are So Cute! And 7 Other Lies Guaranteed to Get You Friends in College

The author and the friends to whom she lied. Credit: Carey Salvin

After a tumultuous day filled with family arguments, bickering, and long check-out lines, you’re finally settled into your shoebox of a Quad dorm room. Between sobs of bittersweet sentiments, your mom finally speaks her truth – she’s afraid you’ll never make any friends in college. And let’s be honest, she might be right! But need not fret, because you can flip the script with these 7 lies guaranteed to get you friends here at the University of Pennsylvania. 

  1. “I would love to go out tonight!”
    I know nobody actually likes to go stand on 41st Street until the Brothers of Sammy take pity on you and let you into Backlot. It’s a demoralizing experience, but if you’re there with friends, you’ll feel that shame together! 
  2. “Your top is literally so cute! Where did you get it?”
    This one is a good one if you maybe wanna be ~more than friends~, because it is probably the most original and thoughtful compliment possible. No girl has ever heard that line, so it is guaranteed that she will want to go home with you to your double in Hill College House.
  3. “Of course I’ll be at your show this Friday at Iron Gate Theater!”
    They will not know if you don't go. Just text them that night to tell them they did a wonderful job (they probably were average), but how would they know??
  4. “You’re so good at Math 1400… I wish I could do derivatives like you.”
    If you keep up this act for long enough, they might take pity on you and  help you out with homework! 
  5. “No, it like actually makes so much sense for you to have a scooter on campus.”
    It doesn’t. If you try hard enough, anywhere on campus is a 10-minute walk.
  6. “I don’t think I could ever take a courseload like yours – you must be really smart.”
    Whoever you are saying this to probably got in thanks to nepotism.  
  7. “I’m on the phone, sorry!”
    Tell this to people handing out flyers on Locust. Anyone who sees this will think you are cool and they will want to be friends with someone like that.

And as a little treat, here’s a lie you could tell your parents about your life in college: “I’m so happy!”