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Carey Salvin


I Know She Saw It: Coco Gauff Posted on Her Instagram Story But Didn’t Respond to My DM

Unbeknownst to me, that little bitch (read: fantastically successful and impressive athlete) just doesn't give a fuck about the beautiful things I have to say to her.

Penny For Your Thoughts; Miss, For a Dollar; And Other Ways to Ask for a Letter of Recommendation

Imagine you came up with these awesome email ideas but are still struggling to get that letter. You’re seeing people around you. They’re going to career fairs. Where are you? Wilcaf. Writing satire. They have jobs. You don’t. They’ve been accepted to their abroad programs. You haven’t. 

In Honor of Jimmy Buffett’s Life, Liz Magill to Host Margarita Social on College Green This Weekend

“If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.” – Jimmy Buffett

Breaking: MERT to Implement Appointment-Only Booking System

Just like other highly effective and admirable organizations here (I'm looking at you, CAPS), MERT understands the basics of supply and demand.

Take THAT, Patriarchy! I (a Girl) Won the Harrison Bracket Challenge

There's a lot of stuff you don't know about me.

Faking Interest, 第四个

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania.

Stupid Bitch! My Mom Refused to Upgrade Me to First Class on Our Family Trip To Bora Bora

AND that bitch from my history class invited my situationship to formal. Everything. Is. Ruined.

Heaven is a Place on Earth? Someone Should Tell the Disciples!

I'm not angry with them, just disappointed.

Dreams DO Come True! I Got to Be One of the People Eating in the Window of &pizza.

Critics say the institution is on track to become the country’s hottest eatery.

Faking Interest, Der Dritte

Didn’t Get a Bid? Here’s How to Make Them Pay.

They didn’t like you! None of them liked you!

OP-ED: I’d Like to Pay More for My On-Campus Housing, and Here’s Why

Remember… you have to spend money to make money. 

I’m Ready and Willing to Admit I Have Flaws — I Just Can’t Think of Any!

"Carey, this shows me that you have more than enough self-confidence and are maybe even a little narcissistic!" - My Therapist

Faking Interest, La Deuxième

An advice column about love, life, and rock n’ roll, run by two of the sveltest broads in all of Pennsylvania. 

BREAKING: All Signs Say It's Just About Time for Break

It really is time for break -- time to be free of finals, to be away from your failed situationship, to have a bedroom to yourself, and for the only thing that really matters: quality me-time. 

BREAKING: Campus A Cappella Group Ousts Musical Arranger After Botched Harmony at Family Showcase Night

This ruined the would-be event of the year for empty-nesters who now have nothing better to look forward to than amateur a cappella.

Big Spreadsheet Open on Laptop Next to Me — Now I Know All the Financial Secrets of America’s Largest Corporations!

How did this man have access to all this information? The answer may shock you.

Penn Launches Campus-Wide Intercom System To Announce Commons Specials Every Morning

Speakers disguised as rocks, trash cans, piles of leaves (in the fall), and piles of dirty snow (in the winter) will broadcast the announcement everywhere within a 5-mile radius. 

OP-ED: Mask and Wig Should Do One of These Shows Every Week!

You’re gonna come, they dangle a pocket watch in front of your face. Your vision goes black. All you can think about is the Mask & Wig show. You’re convinced.