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What?! Sigma Alpha Epsilon Not Actually Delicious Smoothie Bowl?

Photo by Justine Orgel

We the California girls make you folks on the East Coast look like potatoes, or so this is what you say about us California girls. As a California girl, I feel so far superior to all of you Wawa-lovers that I can't even look at you to ascertain whether you do in fact resemble a potato. The term "Wawa-lovers" hints at the fact that our superiority comes from our superior diet. My superior diet consists mainly of açaí bowls, which are unfortunately, scant in these parts. I have exhausted Playa Bowls (which I frequent after running 9 miles before my 10:15 AM in McNeil) and SoBol which I joke is just "so-so." I often ponder whether my superior education in the state of Pennsylvania is worth the slight demotion of my diet from abundant, local (the block I live on) juice cleanses to the monotony of only two (2) açaí spots with only forty (40) options per menu. Beyond pondering, I am always hunting (not to be confused with big-game hunting, I am a vegan who eats eggs and fish) for a new açaí spot to diversify my pallet. That's why I was thrilled to find what Penn students refer to as "SAE."

SAE sounded like a more cultured way of saying açaí, perhaps I would be in for an authentic Brazilian treat? In fact, I overheard a boy in my MKTG 085: Marketing for Diet Culture class say, "My brother loved her Brazilian." When asked more about his brother, the boy responded, "Ha! We look nothing alike, but we are brothers from another mother. SAE!!!" This was tantalizing, SAE seemed to have authentic, healthy, low-calorie Brazilian fare. SAE was even rumored to throw late nights and events, how festive! Students even called SAE "dank," as a California girl who loves to hit the blunt, I was sold. SAE would be my new spot. 

After asking around for the location, I decided to venture over to SAE after my 8pm SoulCycle appointment ended. When I arrived, I was shocked to be offered a high calorie White Claw, no thanks! I was offered a beer and punch, no thanks! Feeling confused, I asked an authoritative-looking white man where I could find a smoothie bowl and with confidence, he led me to the basement. There, I found no açaí, coconut flakes, spinach leaves, wheatgrass, or chia seeds. All that was there was a hot tub filled to the brim with men who appeared to be copulating. Weird (because I couldn't find an açaí bowl), but love is love. 

Ah well, SAE was a BUST.