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Huntsman To Be Dissolved To Dust, Gigantic and Obscene Monument For Wharton Alliance To Be Erected in Its Place

Photo by Fine Art America w/ edits // cc 2.0

BREAKING – Wharton Alliance sponsored orgy turned massacre. Ten limp twink bodies found in Huntsman Hall GSR, all identified as Wharton Alliance freshmen pregaming Queer Formal. Officers found multiple tote bags containing a massive strap-ons collection, amounts of lube that could drown a village, and fishnet gloves. The door was barcaded with PrEp, but Penn Police bust down to find the victims formed in a human centipede with Crash by Charli XCX playing on repeat in the background. Such an atrocious act can only be met with an flamboyantly large display of amore for the LGBTQIA2S+  Community of Penn. 

The Wharton Administration announces that the scene of brutality is being demolished as a message to the wider Penn community to no longer engage in illicit sodomitic affairs. The Chief Diversity Officer Renita Miller stated, “Penn is a place for everyone but the f*gs and d*kes. It’s gross, just get over it and keep it off campus. If you’re questioning, it’s a choice, and just make the right one.” 

As reprimand, Wharton is making the remaining lesbians of Wharton Alliance build a monument in remembrance of its fallen members. The monument’s shape has shocked many, especially those building it. In an act of timely kindness on behalf of the Wharton Administration, these lesbians will finally lay their hands on a phallus. Congrats, you girls are no longer virgins! 

We interviewed Wharton sophomore, and he stated, “I’m with the Wharton Administration, but I don’t know where straight people are supposed to have their orgies now. Guess we have to move to the All Gender Restrooms in the College…”