Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

Future Daddy Issues? A Funny-Looking Man Named John Wants to Give Me Basic Healthcare


Photo by Oscar Eichmann

This Tuesday, I’m not voting on abortion, you stupid liberal, I’m voting for who’s going to make Pennsylvania feel like home. A real home. One with all the dainty little frills of suburban consumerism, and pithy rich blue-leaning men who smell and look like truckies. 

That’s why my vote is going to Oprah, because I want to OWN my life, my future. She told me specifically not to vote for Mehmet Oz, and, heck, if she even knows the Doc intimately and doesn’t want us voting that way, he either definitely was just ‘Meh’ in bed or there’s something more nuanced to this political discourse. God loves discourse, don’t forget. 

She also talked about a funny-looking man named John Fetterman. No, that isn’t body-shaming, that’s just quoting his political marketing. Not a joke, just a fact. Statistical gerrymandering; manipulating the data. Markov; rutabaga. 

And yeah, he wants to give me basic healthcare. I wouldn’t know what the other guy thinks, because liberal tendencies are directing my Youtube ads elsewhere. So it’s a done deal. 

Home is where father is. Home is where John is