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Big Spreadsheet Open on Laptop Next to Me — Now I Know All the Financial Secrets of America’s Largest Corporations!

Edits by Julia Rotgin Credit: Carey Salvin

I recently traveled to the Big Apple (New York City) to meet my father for the first time. The whole experience was rather stressful. Between 4:30pm and 5:19pm, I had to sprint from my CIS 1100 Recitation in Towne 315 to my one-bedroom double in Harrision College House, pack all of my belongings, travel to 30th Street Station, and board the Amtrak Acela. I’m no math major (and if you’re reading this… you probably aren’t either), but that seems to me to be a very limited time.

Lest you fret! My Uber driver Christian helped me get there with three whole minutes to spare. Before you say anything… I totally would have walked had I the time and I totally would have taken SEPTA had I located my SEPTA key. But I didn’t, and though I lost $8 in the process, I made it there by 5:17. 

Once I settled into my seat, I pulled out my Path@Penn with the goal of ensuring that everyone around me knows I attend a universally-acclaimed university

Never could I have imagined that my neighbor would be privy to the most captivating, raunchy spreadsheet I would ever have the pleasure to spy upon. Throughout my 2-hour journey, I learned all about the innermost workings of half of the companies on the S&P 500, including (but not limited to) Alphabet, Inc., Lockheed Martin, and Goldman Sachs (a fan favorite)

Contained in these spreadsheets were details ranging from biohazard dumping sites to company retreat housing assignments. You might be wondering, why did this random guy on the train have access to all this information from all these different companies? Well, the answer is simple… he is a Russian spy.