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10 Alternates to “You’re In My Prayers” for Atheists Confronting Terrible News


We’ve all been there. Your mom/roommate/professor approaches you and drops some seriously awful news. Her cat has feline leukemia. His lake house and puzzle collection were swept away in a mudslide. Your grandma has a UTI because she holds in her pee. 

It’s difficult to be on the receiving end of bad news. Even more difficult for atheists who can’t interject with a simple “You’re in my prayers.” Technically you could, but let's be honest, everyone knows you hate on organized religion. It would just be disarming and lead to more ill feelings. So what should you, an atheist, say if someone approaches and unloads something deep? Here is UTB’s official list of 10 alternates to “you’re in my prayers” for atheists confronting terrible news.

1 Make ‘em smile! Do your best Shaggy impression and shout out “Zoinks! like what are we gonna do Scoob?” Bonus points if you follow it up with an ad-libed Scooby impression. 

2 Change the subject. The weather has been crazy recently!

3 Be honest and vulnerable. Try a, “Glad that’s not me! RIP ?”

4 “That reminds me of a Tweet I just saw.”

5 Give some totally unwarranted advice. 

6 In the words of Inji: Gaslight. Gatekeep. Call his new bitch mainstream. Toxic. Hypnotic. Steal a couple bills from his wallet. 

7 "Ayoooooo! Sorry 'bout _______."

8 Text them this unsettling, apologetic cat gif your mom just sent you

Photo by: Tenor

9 "Hey, at least you’re not (something increasingly awful and unrelated). You should be thankful right now"

10 "Thank you for telling me about ____. I can only imagine how difficult it is to go through this. You’re not alone in this. I am always just a phone call away. You're in my thoughts."