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BREAKING: McClelland to Offer a Head of Cabbage in Exchange for One Singular Meal Swipe

Credit: Maya Kreger

So, the other day around 6:00 PM EST, I got a strange feeling of hunger. I felt so hungry that I could have almost eaten a meal. Are you familiar with such feeling? Anywho, I meandered throughout our lush campus until I found myself in a familiar setting: the cozy enclave that I like to call McClelland. 

As I entered the space, I noticed a sign advertising a new, generous offer: “MEAL SWIPE IN RETURN FOR ONE (1) SINGULAR HEAD OF CABBAGE.” That’s when my peculiar feeling of hunger heightened into one where I would surely eat a meal. So, there I went and traded a meal swipe of 17 USD equivalency for a singular head of cabbage. And this is a true story, so don’t go saying that you’ve never seen this option before because you’d be wrong and you hate being wrong. 

When I exited McClelland, the heart of Pennsylvania, I hurried to a small Parisian café style table to begin eating my meal. I looked up at the sky and thought to myself that it would have been daylight outside if it were only a few hours earlier, but since it was the time that it was and not earlier, it was pretty dark out. In almost complete and utter darkness, with only the light of a few sparse stars to guide me, I opened the plastic container that held my one singular head of cabbage. As I peeled the plastic wrap off my cabbage to get to its sweet, tasty crunchiness, my mouth nearly watered in anticipation. Now I had my singular head of cabbage sans packaging. As I sunk my teeth into that scrumptious delicacy, I understood why meal swipes were 17 USD. In fact, they could probably be 19 USD if they wanted to, but I'm guessing they didn't want to, so that's why they're 17 USD. After one bite of my meal, I was suddenly and completely full. Color me satiated. What a Mmmm Mmmm yummy meal I had. It was just oh so good, I even said out loud, “This is a really good meal.” I swear, that’s exactly what I said and if you think I didn’t then you’d be wrong and we both know how much you truly hate that. 

Did this story make you hungry? Are you feeling so hungry that you could eat an entire head of cabbage? If yes, then you know what to do. If no, that’s ok, there will always be a next time. 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Upon closer inspection, I now believe this leafy green was iceberg lettuce. I apologize for any confusion this mixup has caused and I look forward to learning from this experience.  

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I just had to watch a 1.5 hour documentary on food waste and I learned that it takes a head of lettuce up to 25 years to decompose in regular trash. I'm not sure how this applies to cabbage, but good thing it turned out to be lettuce in the end.