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When Penn Became Communist China: The Day I Had to Go Around the Fence on Locust Walk


Photo (with edits) from Alpha History / CC0

Greetings, fellow students. Or as I’ll soon be calling you, fellow COMRADES. “Comrades? Why is he calling us comrades? Isn’t that a Communist title reserved for citizens of the People's Republic of China from 1949-1978? He must be exaggerating.” No, I’m not exaggerating. Not in the slightest. Right before our very eyes, Xi JiMagill is giving Penn red an entirely new meaning.

What am I talking about? I’m talking about the Marxist monstrosity which has been erected before us (not in a sexual way). I’m talking about the Socialist sin turning our daily trip to Houston into a Cold War nuclear standoff. I’m talking about the Anticapitalist abomination whose very existence threatens the entire stock market (yes, even Dogecoin). I’m talking about none other than the fence on Locust Walk.

I thought we were living in America! I thought we as a nation valued freedom! Since when does freedom equal a 15 second detour? These are the moments that our nation’s founding father Joe Biden spoke of when he said: “Give me liberty or give me death!” I would rather be thrown into the gulag and beaten into a raw and bloody mush than look at this stupid piece of shit scaffolding any longer.

I know what some of you are going to say. “Let’s just walk around the fence.” I have an idea. How about you go suck Joseph Stalin’s dick a little harder? Go ahead, bend over and let Mao Zedong rail you some more. Wait, now Fidel Castro wants some? I’m sure you won’t complain with the way you’re salivating as you read this paragraph.

For all of us real Americans, the time to act is now. Every dictatorship begins with small concessions of freedom. First they put up a fence. Then they round you up and stick you into communal living (already done!). Next thing you know, you’re transferring out of Wharton and into the School of Working Makeshift Iron Blast Furnaces on the College Green.

Time is running out to defend our nation. The fence must come down, and military conflict will be needed to do it. It might seem like the average student can’t make a difference, but there are plenty of ways to support the war effort. Make molotov cocktails from the bottle of Smirnoff in your drawer that never seems to run out. Engineer chemical weapons from the scrambled eggs at Hill. Visit local high schools and militarize the entire senior class by lying about being a US army recruiter. Any effort counts.

Most importantly though, brace yourself. This shit is going to make Vietnam look like a daycare. (Keep in mind that six of my relatives were stabbed to death and dismembered during the Tet Offensive).