OP-ED: That Never Happened

A fenceless locust? A good Commons meal? That one off campus date night and the other on campus one? Yeah, none of these events truly unfolded. I’ve been rather observant recently. Its a wonder, actually, the unchanging nature of things around us. When was the last time you weren’t preparing for, taking, or recovering from a midterm? When is the last time you read a piece of UTB’s that did not leave you joyous/existential? None of the aforementioned events had ever happened.

Minute media is killing everyone’s attention span. Everyone is forgetting all the things that didn’t happen, and gaslighting has never been easier. I don’t think I’ve never not enjoyed a frat party, actually; you’re all soooo interesting! The beauty of men over 6 feet tall being rather intoxicated after 2 ½ natty lights is not lost on me at all, actually. We are all impressed, actually!

Wilcaf never closed down, you were all just too busy with the mask and wig + bloomers + IntuiTons shows happening on the same weekend. Everything was in total harmony and in a state of equilibrium. 

Penn’s dining halls have never not been in compliance with anything. I enjoy the faces of every passing friend on Locust. I have never been bothered by this beautiful campus, and neither have you. We are all connected in the cyclical yet linear line that runs through this campus. 

Spring break was beautiful. It did not flutter away too early like the butterflies do every spring when summer comes. I am hanging in there, so are you.

I actually have never concluded a piece of writing in a bad way, you’ve enjoyed every piece of UTB literature. You’ve never not wanted to apply to this publication and you were never rejected.