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DRL’s Exposed Lead Pipes Reported to Cause Hallucinations: Students Claiming Encounters with Mythical Beings such as Attractive Math Majors and Clean Engineers


"Vent Pipes, Chain Link, and other Metal Goods" by Reuse Warehouse Houston is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Shocking results from a STAT 102 midterm project sparked investigations into the hazardous environmental conditions of the David Rittenhouse Laboratories (DRL) and their direct affect on students’ health. 

In an effort to quantify the self-confidence of Penn students, business analytics sophomore Samantha Strepsus stratified self-reported attractiveness score samples on undergraduate majors. The data associated with mathematics majors immediately drew widespread concern: for a sample of 86 Math Majors, the average self-reported attractiveness ranking was a staggering 6.4/10. Strepsus quickly learned that her project now had newfound significance beyond just her STAT 102 grade:

“A few hours after turning in my midterm project, Dr. Sean Clap arranged a meeting with me so that I could further explain my results. After unfortunately determining that my sampling methods were valid, Professor Clap escalated his concerns to Penn’s Student Health Services.”

We caught up with representative Stephanie Bjork from Student Health Services to gain perspective on their initial insights:

“Such a favorable attractiveness self-assessment for such an aesthetically challenged group immediately points to signs of severe cognitive impairment. To uncover a cause for this neurological health crisis, we narrowed in on variables that all mathematics majors shared. We realized that math majors spend up to 72 hours a week in the damp halls of DRL, and that we should probably conduct air and surface chemical contaminant tests in this environment.”

Rigorous toxicological assessments revealed lead concentrations that were 2 times higher than Penn’s safety standards, and 14 times higher than the U.S. government’s safety standards. Thus, we arrive at the root cause for the challenges that faced our Math community: lead poisoning induced hallucinations and delusion of grandeur.

Unfortunately, the moist, viscous halls of DRL are not only imposed upon Math majors; engineers are also subjected to time in this hazardous environment. While we cannot yet quantify the severity of how Engineers have been affected by this neurotoxic crisis, we can provide anecdotal evidence from a recent interview with Mechanical Engineer Junior, Lane Chester. When we asked “why do you think Engineers smell so bad?”, Chester shockingly responds:

“I’m not sure what you mean by this question and why you feel the need to stereotype. I’m sure some engineers are too busy to regularly shower, but I’ve met many engineers who are aware of deodorant and smell quite nice.”

Clearly, the lead circulating in Chester's body has effectively crossed the blood-brain barrier. He is irreversibly ill.

In response to this crisis, Penn has decided to remove all plumbing in DRL until 2028. Stay tuned for more updates.