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Ugh! My Nespresso Package Got Stolen From My Off-Campus-Brownstone-Penthouse-Suite Doorstep

Credit: Maya Kreger

Most of the people in this world are ugly. They are sick and twisted, yearning for the destruction of all things good and simple. I like literally hate it here.

I can’t go one (1) day without nespresso and alternative milk. I can go without Sweet-and-Low for about two (2) days as long as there is stevia abound. Without these essential goods, my skin wrinkles and its freckled palor fades. I become a shell of myself and I really hate that. That’s why, when a goddam son of a bitch stole my nespresso package from my off-campus-brownstone-penthouse-suite this afternoon, I got Mad (with capital M). 

I stormed out the door with my Ugg slippers underfoot, shouting “J’accuse!” at everything and anything around me. Why me!? Is this some sort of karmic retribution for my entitlement, is the world mocking my self-assuredness, in an attempt to prove me woefully wrong? Is the stolen Nespresso package a sign from some sort of higher power, or merely a metaphor for the things we strive for, but never quite see to completion. Should I switch to keurig? No, not that. Never again. 

After speaking to an AI generated assistant chatbot on the Nespresso website, as well as George Clooney, I received a full refund and free Odacio samples. I soon realized that the world is not a wicked place, one where we get punished for ordering good things, but rather an oasis filled with delicious caffeinated drinks.

For now, I shall go to Starbucks and get a Venti Iced Oat Milk Shaken Espresso each morning. One Blonde espresso shot, one decaf.