Breaking: MERT to Implement Appointment-Only Booking System
September 5, 2023 at 12:37 pm
Oh no! Are you injured? Experiencing intestinal discomfort? Alcohol Poisoning? One too many slices from Allegro’s?
Lest you fret! Penn MERT (Medical Emergency Response Team) is here to help!
But wait... do you have an appointment? Because MERT doesn't really screw around. They've got a lot of demand and they know it. Just like other highly effective and admirable organizations here (I'm looking at you, CAPS), MERT understands the basics of supply and demand.
MERT Director Bodilee Payne announced this week that an exploratory committee organized by the group reached a conclusion that they could get the most bang for their buck through an appointment-only booking system. Profits over people, amiright!
Under this new system, MERT estimates an ROI increase of over 4 standard deviations. This will allow them to employ fewer students, and treat only those that are most desperate for help!
Help will be there at the next available appointment in 4-6 weeks, or you can put your name on the cancellation list!